One Year

One year ago today, I had the D&C that would rid my body of the still baby inside me. It still hurts like hell. This past year has been spent dealing with a lot of pain and grief, a lot of questions about why this happened, and acceptance. Its been a bumpy roller coaster of emotions and I hope to never have to endure this kind of pain again.

We tried, unsucessfully, to get pregnant again. Failed cycles in January, March, June, July and August. So much promise, but so much disappointment. It's coming up on the time where we decide to stop. Enough is enough. I am tired of being sad, tired of my body failing me, tired of struggling... just tired. Its also been 7 years since my kidney transplant, and my body is requiring tweaks to different medications. Tweaks that could harm an unborn fetus. Tweaks that are putting a finality to our decision, and to the fact that my Jordyn will be an only child.

After all the struggle and disappontment, Jordyn is my shining ray of light who makes everything right with the world. My sweet girl is going to be 3 soon, and she is everything I ever hoped and dreamed for. She is perfect. All I can do now is spend the rest of my life showing her how much she is loved, and reminding her how special she is. I hope that she will forgive us one day for not giving her a sibling. I hope one day she understands. I just hope.

Due Date

Well, it's here. Today was my official due date. Which means she would have been here by now. I should be cuddled up on my couch with a sleeping newborn baby girl. Instead I felt the joy of a 2.5 year old girl saying "hi mommy" when I walked in her room this morning, and squeezed her a little longer and tighter when she gave me a hug. I am so blessed to have her - she is my miracle baby. I am so lucky. My heart still hurts missing my other baby, but I am healing. I am better. I am still so, so grateful for the one little girl that I do have. And I just hope and pray that one day in the near future I will be able to have another sweet girl (or boy) call me mommy.

32 weeks

that's how far along i would have been today.

IUI Frustration

Since the miscarriage, we've had 2 IUIs. One in January and one in March. We skipped February because we were away on vacation celebrating our 10 year anniversary. We know IUIs work for us - it took us 8 to get Jordyn and only one with our Angel. On Jordyn's cycle we did injections, and back to back IUIs. I had 8 follicles and its a wonder we only got one baby! With Angel, we started with only Femara to see how I would respond. I had 4 follies - 2 on each side. We only did 1 IUI and it worked. No luck since.

Yesterday I got a negative pregnancy test. 2 weeks prior we did an IUI that seemed "perfect" on paper. 3 follicles that had already released, 77 million sperm after the wash with excellent concentration and motility, and a lining of over 10. WTF?

I need a break.

4 months

i can't believe its been 4 months. 11/10 is the day i started spotting and went to the dr for reassurance. everyone kept telling me it was normal and they were sure everything was fine. so i wasn't worried. until the dr did the sono and i saw the look on his face, heard the silence in the room, looked at the sono screen, to see a dead baby in my belly. i was almost 11 weeks pregnant and just 2 1/2 weeks prior i had seen an active gummy bear with a strong heartbeat. it was all over.

four months later i have answers. we did genetic testing after my d&c the following day. we found out it was a female and she had a rare condition called triploidy. she had a whole extra set of chromosomes, which is incompatible with life. she wouln't have survived. i was never going to hold my sweet baby girl, and jordyn was never going to meet her baby sister.

is it easier that i miscarried at 11 weeks vs having the pregnancy go longer? the dr told me they would have found out about her condition at my 12 week appt when they would have done the nuchal lucency test. how would i have dealt with the news of hearing my baby wouldn't survive? how would i have dealt with the pregnancy progressing further to only lose her? or to have her be born stillborn? or worse - born alive and take only a few breaths before closing her eyes forever? was God taking mercy on me by taking her early? maybe. but wouldn't have it been easier to not have conceived at all if she never had a chance?

all these questions haunt me and i am still trying to process all of this 4 months later. i miss her so much. my due date is getting closer. june 3. but knowing i wouldn't have been allowed to go full term anyway, she would have arrived at the end of may. i have a friend due june 6 - we were supposed to go through it together. i see her with her baby bump i just want to cry. that was supposed to be me too.

even though we have answers, i still have so many questions. why did this happen? will we ever have another baby? if not, will i be ok with it? am i meant to just be the mother of one amazing little girl and one angel in heaven? will jordyn be able to be a big sister? will my heart ever stop hurting?