it has been barely 5 days since i lost my baby and i am struggling. its so hard to get up in the morning when all i want to do is stay under the covers all day. i cry on and off all day and try with every fiber of my being to make it through each day.
i've made this blog public again. i need to get my feelings out, and if by doing that i can help someone else, then we can heal together. i have so much to say, and i want to get it all out but now, all i can do is cry. i miss my baby.
i am so thankful for my sweet jordyn. she is the reason i get out of bed every day and her smile makes me forget the sadness, if only for a minute. as the title of my blog states, i am truly a grateful mommy. she needs me and i will muster every ounce of strength i have to be the best mommy i can be for her. but i am so, so sad.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Its Over
I had some spotting yesterday and again this morning. I went to see my dr this morning and he did a sonogram - we didn't see a heartbeat. I am having a D&C on Thursday which is when I would have been 11 weeks. I cannot believe this is happening and I feel like I want to crawl in a hole and hide. I still can't get the image of that still baby in my belly out of my head. It looked like a baby. A dead baby. In my belly. Dear God, please give me the strength to get through this.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Friday, September 25, 2009
Betas
I had my first beta on Wednesday. At 14dpiui it was 159. I had another beta today and this time it was 528. Its a good doubling time - above average, which means could be twins. The nurse said its more than likely there is 1 healthy baby in there. I will go for a sono in 2 weeks to see what it looks like in there and how many there actually are.
When I was pregnant with Jordyn, I remember my first 2 betas were above average too - all the nurses were sure there was more than 1 baby in there. I can't find the spreadsheet I made with all the numbers from that pregnancy - its on an older computer and I have to dig around. I want to compare this pregnancy's numbers with Jordyn's and see how off it is.
I am still finding it hard to believe I am actually pregnant.
In other news, N's surgery went well and he is recovering on the couch with some good drugs. He's a trooper.
When I was pregnant with Jordyn, I remember my first 2 betas were above average too - all the nurses were sure there was more than 1 baby in there. I can't find the spreadsheet I made with all the numbers from that pregnancy - its on an older computer and I have to dig around. I want to compare this pregnancy's numbers with Jordyn's and see how off it is.
I am still finding it hard to believe I am actually pregnant.
In other news, N's surgery went well and he is recovering on the couch with some good drugs. He's a trooper.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Holy S^@*!!!
I think I am still in shock. I don't even know what to say. After all the past difficulty I can't believe how easy it was this time. I almost still don't believe it. I went and had my first beta today - waiting for the results. Second beta Friday. Holy s^@*!!!Tuesday, September 22, 2009
One More Day and Surgery
Tomorrow. Tomorrow I can test. Only one more day of torture. I can't stand it.
In other news, N is having knee surgery today. We've known for awhile it was a possibility, but at his dr appt last Wednesday, they made the final decision. The surgery scheduler was able to get him in today - less than a week from his last appt. I am happy that he's going to get it over and done with, but at the same time we had so much coming up these next few weeks that we now have to cancel, including a much needed date night, seeing Grease at a local theater, and ACL festival (which we have gone to every year since 2004.) I know its more important that he gets better, but I feel slightly bummed that we are missing all those things. Does that make me selfish, or just human?
Wish us luck today with N's surgery, and tomorrow with the dreaded POAS.
In other news, N is having knee surgery today. We've known for awhile it was a possibility, but at his dr appt last Wednesday, they made the final decision. The surgery scheduler was able to get him in today - less than a week from his last appt. I am happy that he's going to get it over and done with, but at the same time we had so much coming up these next few weeks that we now have to cancel, including a much needed date night, seeing Grease at a local theater, and ACL festival (which we have gone to every year since 2004.) I know its more important that he gets better, but I feel slightly bummed that we are missing all those things. Does that make me selfish, or just human?
Wish us luck today with N's surgery, and tomorrow with the dreaded POAS.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Symptoms or all in my head?
I can't figure out if I am having symptoms or if its all in my head. I am so dizzy and tired right now, I feel like I can't even keep my head up. It could also be the prometrium I am taking - it tends to make you a little light headed but this is insane. I am totally freaking out about testing on Wednesday. I bought 2 EPT tests this weekend - 2 for the price of 1. I don't know what to think. As I said before, this has been the longest 2WW ever.
In other news, N is having knee surgery tomorrow. He is totally bummed about it but I am sure it will all work out ok. he is a big baby when he's sick -aren't all men. so it looks like i will be doing everything for a few weeks whihe his is immobile. Hopefullt we'll get some good news on Wednesday.
yikes.
In other news, N is having knee surgery tomorrow. He is totally bummed about it but I am sure it will all work out ok. he is a big baby when he's sick -aren't all men. so it looks like i will be doing everything for a few weeks whihe his is immobile. Hopefullt we'll get some good news on Wednesday.
yikes.
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