Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Reminders
Jordyn's birthday and Christmas were great. Those 2 things this month made me happy. Filled my heart with love, joy and hope. Today I started spotting which means I will get my period shortly - within a day or so. My doctor predicted it would come before the end of the year - he's such a smart man. He said we could start trying again as soon as it came. Such hope and promise for the new year - we are ready for good things in 2010. It should make me feel happy. But all I feel right now is sadness. Seeing the blood is just a reminder that she is gone.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Some Answers
My doctor appointment last week went well. The pathology report showed that the samples they received were normal products of a degenerative pregnancy. I asked to see the post-operative report from the doctor and the pathology report - after all the medical tests I've had in the past, its helpful to read these even if I don't understand all the terminology. If they were in normal English instead of medical speak it would be better, but with google, it helps put the pieces together. The doctor said everything looked good - uterus and cervix all looked normal and gave us the go ahead to start trying again once I got my period, which he expected in 2-4 weeks. So we left feeling hopeful. Still sad, but hopeful.
Then this Tuesday I got a phone call from the doctors office that the chromosome testing was back from the Mayo clinic and they had more information as to why I had a miscarriage. It turns out this pregnancy was a triploid, which means it had a whole extra set of chromosmes. Normal humans have 46 chromosomes - 23 are inherited from each parent. It seems in this rare case, the egg was fertilized by 2 sperm which gave it the extra set, s0 69 total. The nurse said this condition is incompatible with life, meaning this baby wouldn't have survived. I asked her to fax me the complete report which she did. I started doing research on the condition and after what I've found out, it seems this was the best thing that could have happened. This condition is fatal and most pregnancies are lost in the first trimester. The ones that go on longer result in a stillbirth, or a death just after birth. I think God knew I couldn't handle that so decided to take it easy on me. As hard as this has all been to deal with, it makes sense to me now and I am now able to get some closure. I know now there is nothing I could have done to prevent this and its just one of those extremely unfortunate things that happened. The good news is its very unlikely to happen again, so it gives us renewed hope as we plan to try again.
If you'd like to read more about the condition, click this link - its provided the most information and given me the most answers.
http://www.healthline.com/galecontent/triploidy
The sad thing for me, is the pathology report listed the diagnosis as Triploidy 69,XXX. She was a girl. My Angel, which is what we are calling her. She is up in heaven watching over her mommy, daddy, and big sister, and hanging out with her grandpa who is protecting us all.
Sadness, but closure. And a heart full of love.
Then this Tuesday I got a phone call from the doctors office that the chromosome testing was back from the Mayo clinic and they had more information as to why I had a miscarriage. It turns out this pregnancy was a triploid, which means it had a whole extra set of chromosmes. Normal humans have 46 chromosomes - 23 are inherited from each parent. It seems in this rare case, the egg was fertilized by 2 sperm which gave it the extra set, s0 69 total. The nurse said this condition is incompatible with life, meaning this baby wouldn't have survived. I asked her to fax me the complete report which she did. I started doing research on the condition and after what I've found out, it seems this was the best thing that could have happened. This condition is fatal and most pregnancies are lost in the first trimester. The ones that go on longer result in a stillbirth, or a death just after birth. I think God knew I couldn't handle that so decided to take it easy on me. As hard as this has all been to deal with, it makes sense to me now and I am now able to get some closure. I know now there is nothing I could have done to prevent this and its just one of those extremely unfortunate things that happened. The good news is its very unlikely to happen again, so it gives us renewed hope as we plan to try again.
If you'd like to read more about the condition, click this link - its provided the most information and given me the most answers.
http://www.healthline.com/galecontent/triploidy
The sad thing for me, is the pathology report listed the diagnosis as Triploidy 69,XXX. She was a girl. My Angel, which is what we are calling her. She is up in heaven watching over her mommy, daddy, and big sister, and hanging out with her grandpa who is protecting us all.
Sadness, but closure. And a heart full of love.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Up and Down
That's how I feel lately. One day I am OK, the next day I am a mess. And another day is a mix of both. It is so hard dealing with this miscarriage, but I am getting through it. Honestly, without Jordyn I don't think I'd be coping as well. When I feel sad I look at her and feel so blessed to have her. She is in a super cuddly phase right now and always wants to give hugs and kisses. Its like she knows her mommy needs them.
Exactly a week after the D&C I started feeling a little more normal. I went through my day and realized I hadn't cried at all. I stopped bleeding so was able to not think about it every time I went to the bathroom. Its amazing how different you feel once your hormones are back in balance. I started realizing that it wasn't my fault and there was nothing I did to make this happen. Just one of those things. I read other stories and heard from other people who had miscarriages at the same time in their pregnancies. Apparently around the 9/10 week mark is when some big changes occur in the baby from the embryonic to the fetal stage, and if the baby hasn't developed normally you start to see problems. I just keep asking myself why. Why me, why this baby, why? I try not to think too much about it but its so hard.
Tomorrow I go to see the dr for my post op visit. It will be 3 weeks since the D&C. They sent some tissue to pathology to be tested and I am hoping for some answers. I know there is a chance the test will be inconclusive, but I think it will help me get closure if I have an actual diagnosis. I also want to find out our chances for getting pregnant again with a healthy baby. I know its hard to say but if they found something in the pathology that would indicate a repeat incident, I want to know that as well. Physically I feel OK, except that I still look pregnant. My belly was getting hard where my uterus was growing and it still feels like that 3 weeks later. I have a fibroid tumor on the top of my uterus that I was able to feel through the outside of my pregnant belly with Jordyn, and I can feel it now. I want to know whats going on inside my uterus and if its all normal. I just hope I get some answers to help me get some closure.
I miss my baby.
Exactly a week after the D&C I started feeling a little more normal. I went through my day and realized I hadn't cried at all. I stopped bleeding so was able to not think about it every time I went to the bathroom. Its amazing how different you feel once your hormones are back in balance. I started realizing that it wasn't my fault and there was nothing I did to make this happen. Just one of those things. I read other stories and heard from other people who had miscarriages at the same time in their pregnancies. Apparently around the 9/10 week mark is when some big changes occur in the baby from the embryonic to the fetal stage, and if the baby hasn't developed normally you start to see problems. I just keep asking myself why. Why me, why this baby, why? I try not to think too much about it but its so hard.
Tomorrow I go to see the dr for my post op visit. It will be 3 weeks since the D&C. They sent some tissue to pathology to be tested and I am hoping for some answers. I know there is a chance the test will be inconclusive, but I think it will help me get closure if I have an actual diagnosis. I also want to find out our chances for getting pregnant again with a healthy baby. I know its hard to say but if they found something in the pathology that would indicate a repeat incident, I want to know that as well. Physically I feel OK, except that I still look pregnant. My belly was getting hard where my uterus was growing and it still feels like that 3 weeks later. I have a fibroid tumor on the top of my uterus that I was able to feel through the outside of my pregnant belly with Jordyn, and I can feel it now. I want to know whats going on inside my uterus and if its all normal. I just hope I get some answers to help me get some closure.
I miss my baby.
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