One Year

One year ago today, I had the D&C that would rid my body of the still baby inside me. It still hurts like hell. This past year has been spent dealing with a lot of pain and grief, a lot of questions about why this happened, and acceptance. Its been a bumpy roller coaster of emotions and I hope to never have to endure this kind of pain again.

We tried, unsucessfully, to get pregnant again. Failed cycles in January, March, June, July and August. So much promise, but so much disappointment. It's coming up on the time where we decide to stop. Enough is enough. I am tired of being sad, tired of my body failing me, tired of struggling... just tired. Its also been 7 years since my kidney transplant, and my body is requiring tweaks to different medications. Tweaks that could harm an unborn fetus. Tweaks that are putting a finality to our decision, and to the fact that my Jordyn will be an only child.

After all the struggle and disappontment, Jordyn is my shining ray of light who makes everything right with the world. My sweet girl is going to be 3 soon, and she is everything I ever hoped and dreamed for. She is perfect. All I can do now is spend the rest of my life showing her how much she is loved, and reminding her how special she is. I hope that she will forgive us one day for not giving her a sibling. I hope one day she understands. I just hope.