When I first started writing this blog, I wasn't sure what I wanted it to be. I wasn't sure who would read it or if they cared what I had to say. I was just so happy that my infertility journey came to an end, and I had a perfect baby girl as proof of all our hard work and wanted to share her. And maybe give hope to someone who felt like their journey was endless. If it worked for me, after 7 years of trying and a kidney transplant, it would surely work for someone else.
Lately, I've felt blocked. This year isn't anything I thought it would be. So much has happened, good and bad, and its left me feeling... well, blah. Sometimes I feel like I can't talk to anyone. I talk to N, and he is amazing, but writing has become my outlet. I've written other posts and deleted them, but I've decided to forge ahead. I have so much I want to say and I just need to get it out.
If you know me in real life, I will ask that you please don't comment or mention anything that I say on here from now on, unless its related to this blog. No posts on facebook, twitter, or conversations in person. If you are my friend, please don't discuss this with other friends. If you are my family, please don't discuss with other family members. This is the only place I will be able to let my thoughts and feelings out and some of the forthcoming information will be confidential. So please, lets keep it that way and leave it to this blog only.
Hell, aside from the 5 of you who I know read this, I don't know who else does anyway. But for my own sanity, I need to write, and in order to get unblocked I need to know its all going to stay here.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Thursday, August 6, 2009
20 months
It is so hard to believe, but my little girl is 20 months old today. Before I know it, I will be planning her 2nd birthday party. I am amazed at how fast time flies when you have a baby - I am trying to savor every moment!
Jordyn has grown so much these last few months. She is talking up a storm and loves learning new things. She started "school" full time this week. Since November she has been going 2 times a week, but now she goes 5 days. It was too hard to keep her occupied at home while I was trying to work, and she absolutely loves school. It has been so good for her - she has learned so many new things and is really thriving there.
Here is a picture of her in front of the wheel of our Tahoe. N says this is how we will chart her growth since we live in Texas. Its all about how big you are compared to your large SUV!
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Cheese!
Jordyn turned 19 months old this week. Here she is with her daddy on the new hammock - they are both saying cheese!!
Thursday, July 2, 2009
The Devil You Know
Two weeks ago I got a call from a former co-worker - someone I had worked with on and off over the years at the company where I was just laid off. Her boss was looking for a contractor to work on a project for 90 days, and she thought I'd be interested. She described the job to me, I called her boss to discuss it, went in 2 days later to finalize details including hourly salary and lo and behold, I am employed again.
I have mixed emotions about this job for a few reasons. First, I am back at the same company who has now laid me off twice in the last 9 years. Second, I was really enjoying my time at home with Jordyn, but unfortunately staying home full time isn't in the cards with a new house. There are a host of other reasons but those are the 2. While I know I have to work, I am at the point in my life where I am not sure I want a career. My first priority is being a mom to Jordyn, and if I can find a job that pays well and lets me do that then I am happy. This job allows me to do both those things. I am making pretty good money and can have a flexible schedule. Also, there is a comfort level and familiarity that is there since I have been at that company for 9 years. There is no learning curve or first week on the job jitters. I was able to jump right in and get started.
Of course, the economy is still in the shitter and this job is temporary for now. Also, the same BS exists at the company, just like it did before. The reality is, most companies have the same BS so I'd rather know about the BS beforehand so I can be prepared. A good friend told me, its the devil you know. And I'd rather know that sneaky bastard so I can get ready for him to bite me in the ass again. At least I'll have a house to live in and money in the bank.
I have mixed emotions about this job for a few reasons. First, I am back at the same company who has now laid me off twice in the last 9 years. Second, I was really enjoying my time at home with Jordyn, but unfortunately staying home full time isn't in the cards with a new house. There are a host of other reasons but those are the 2. While I know I have to work, I am at the point in my life where I am not sure I want a career. My first priority is being a mom to Jordyn, and if I can find a job that pays well and lets me do that then I am happy. This job allows me to do both those things. I am making pretty good money and can have a flexible schedule. Also, there is a comfort level and familiarity that is there since I have been at that company for 9 years. There is no learning curve or first week on the job jitters. I was able to jump right in and get started.
Of course, the economy is still in the shitter and this job is temporary for now. Also, the same BS exists at the company, just like it did before. The reality is, most companies have the same BS so I'd rather know about the BS beforehand so I can be prepared. A good friend told me, its the devil you know. And I'd rather know that sneaky bastard so I can get ready for him to bite me in the ass again. At least I'll have a house to live in and money in the bank.
Friday, June 5, 2009
Daddy's girl
Things have been rough lately. The layoff has been especially hard on me, and its been very challenging finding a new job. I am trying to stay positive and know it will all work out for the best. In the meantime, I am trying to enjoy my time off and spending as much of it with Jordyn as I can. Now that the weather is warm, we are getting out more and have been enjoying the pool. Here is a great picture of her and her daddy enjoying the water.
She is the reason I get up in the morning. Just looking at her sweet face gets me through the toughest days, and she always seems to know when I need a hug. She will be 18 months tomorrow.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
17 months
Today Jordyn is 17 months old. I look at her and still see my sweet 5 pound baby girl swaddled in her hospital blanket. She is everything I ever dreamed she would be and worth every second we waited for her - and there are a lot of seconds in 8 years! I'd do it all over again for her. She fills my heart with such joy, and I absolutely melt when she says mama.
This past weekend she was a flower girl at my cousin's wedding. She was perfect.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Please can we get some good news??
I haven't posted for a few weeks. I've been in a funk. When I wrote my last post I had just gotten laid off and Jordyn was recovering from a stomach bug. Things only got worse once April arrived.
First, the lovely chief of police decided all shifts should bump to another shift so that night shift guys could experience day shift, and vice versa. So after getting screwed at the end of the year and having to do a 4 month night shift assignment, N and his entire shift were put on night shift for 3 months. Fabu. It sucks on many levels, but mostly for N because it messes up his body clock. There are a host of other reasons it sucks, but I'll leave that alone for now. Then mom came to visit from NY, which was great. Jordyn had finally started feeling better in the middle of mom's visit, so by the end she was back to her normal fun self. Mom left on a Monday. That Friday night, I went in to check on Jordyn before I went to bed. I was shocked to find vomit in her crib! I was alone since N was at work, so I got her up and brought her into the bathroom to clean her up. As we were sitting on the bathroom floor, she puked her guts up. Macaroni and cheese and grapes are not fun on the other end. She was shaking and felt very hot, so I took her temp and it was 102. She continued to throw up every 45 minutes until 3am. Her fever was almost 103. First thing Sat morning I called the dr and took her in to see him. He did an exam and as he listened to her lungs he said they sounded really "junky." He recommended a blood test and chest xray - thankfully they have a lab in their office and were there on sat. Her white blood cells were over 20,000 and her chest xray showed spots on her lungs. After everything my poor girl has been through, she was diagnosed with pneumonia. He gave her a shot of antibiotics and a prescription for oral antibiotics and alternating tylenol and motrin for the fever. All day all she did was lay on me - she was burning up and I felt so bad for her. By 6pm her fever broke and she was feeling much better. So we were resigned to time at home for her to heal. Thankfully the antibiotics worked and she didnt need to be admitted to the hospital for oxygen or anything.
As we were on the mend, I got a call from Mom that Grandma wasn't doing well. She's been in a nursing home with dementia for the last 4 years and had recently taken a turn for the worse. So we were waiting to see what would happen. The Saturday before Easter Jordyn was feeling better so I took her to the community Easter egg hunt by our new house. Let me jsut say I love my new neighborhood. Jordyn had a blast gathering eggs - I have lots of great pics but of course have not downloaded them yet. We came home and my mom called - Grandma had passed away. So we dropped everything, booked flights and all headed to NY the next day because the funeral was Monday. I was concerned about traveling with Jordyn since she was still recovering and was still on antibiotics, but she did great.
We are back home and Jordyn is doing great. I finally took her to school yesterday - she had been out for 2 whole weeks! She had a good day, and when I came to pick her up her teacher took me aside and said she had to talk to me. She wanted to let me know some kids in the adjacent toddler class had hand-foot-mouth disease and strep. Great, next thing for me to look forward to.
I finally updated my resume yesterday and sent it out to a few places. I am in such a funk because honestly, I just don't know what I want to do. I could fill my days spending time with Jordyn, cooking, cleaning, yoga, volunteer work, etc. But now that we have this big beautiful house, I have to find a job so I can pay for it. It sucks, because if we never moved we could have made it work on one salary. I never expected to get laid off so we went ahead with the home purchase. In the end I know it was the right thing to do, but right now I feel so helpless and unhappy - I just don't know how to handle it all. I mean seriously, how much is one person expected to handle?
I really need something good to happen, and fast.
First, the lovely chief of police decided all shifts should bump to another shift so that night shift guys could experience day shift, and vice versa. So after getting screwed at the end of the year and having to do a 4 month night shift assignment, N and his entire shift were put on night shift for 3 months. Fabu. It sucks on many levels, but mostly for N because it messes up his body clock. There are a host of other reasons it sucks, but I'll leave that alone for now. Then mom came to visit from NY, which was great. Jordyn had finally started feeling better in the middle of mom's visit, so by the end she was back to her normal fun self. Mom left on a Monday. That Friday night, I went in to check on Jordyn before I went to bed. I was shocked to find vomit in her crib! I was alone since N was at work, so I got her up and brought her into the bathroom to clean her up. As we were sitting on the bathroom floor, she puked her guts up. Macaroni and cheese and grapes are not fun on the other end. She was shaking and felt very hot, so I took her temp and it was 102. She continued to throw up every 45 minutes until 3am. Her fever was almost 103. First thing Sat morning I called the dr and took her in to see him. He did an exam and as he listened to her lungs he said they sounded really "junky." He recommended a blood test and chest xray - thankfully they have a lab in their office and were there on sat. Her white blood cells were over 20,000 and her chest xray showed spots on her lungs. After everything my poor girl has been through, she was diagnosed with pneumonia. He gave her a shot of antibiotics and a prescription for oral antibiotics and alternating tylenol and motrin for the fever. All day all she did was lay on me - she was burning up and I felt so bad for her. By 6pm her fever broke and she was feeling much better. So we were resigned to time at home for her to heal. Thankfully the antibiotics worked and she didnt need to be admitted to the hospital for oxygen or anything.
As we were on the mend, I got a call from Mom that Grandma wasn't doing well. She's been in a nursing home with dementia for the last 4 years and had recently taken a turn for the worse. So we were waiting to see what would happen. The Saturday before Easter Jordyn was feeling better so I took her to the community Easter egg hunt by our new house. Let me jsut say I love my new neighborhood. Jordyn had a blast gathering eggs - I have lots of great pics but of course have not downloaded them yet. We came home and my mom called - Grandma had passed away. So we dropped everything, booked flights and all headed to NY the next day because the funeral was Monday. I was concerned about traveling with Jordyn since she was still recovering and was still on antibiotics, but she did great.
We are back home and Jordyn is doing great. I finally took her to school yesterday - she had been out for 2 whole weeks! She had a good day, and when I came to pick her up her teacher took me aside and said she had to talk to me. She wanted to let me know some kids in the adjacent toddler class had hand-foot-mouth disease and strep. Great, next thing for me to look forward to.
I finally updated my resume yesterday and sent it out to a few places. I am in such a funk because honestly, I just don't know what I want to do. I could fill my days spending time with Jordyn, cooking, cleaning, yoga, volunteer work, etc. But now that we have this big beautiful house, I have to find a job so I can pay for it. It sucks, because if we never moved we could have made it work on one salary. I never expected to get laid off so we went ahead with the home purchase. In the end I know it was the right thing to do, but right now I feel so helpless and unhappy - I just don't know how to handle it all. I mean seriously, how much is one person expected to handle?
I really need something good to happen, and fast.
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