One year ago today, I had the D&C that would rid my body of the still baby inside me. It still hurts like hell. This past year has been spent dealing with a lot of pain and grief, a lot of questions about why this happened, and acceptance. Its been a bumpy roller coaster of emotions and I hope to never have to endure this kind of pain again.
We tried, unsucessfully, to get pregnant again. Failed cycles in January, March, June, July and August. So much promise, but so much disappointment. It's coming up on the time where we decide to stop. Enough is enough. I am tired of being sad, tired of my body failing me, tired of struggling... just tired. Its also been 7 years since my kidney transplant, and my body is requiring tweaks to different medications. Tweaks that could harm an unborn fetus. Tweaks that are putting a finality to our decision, and to the fact that my Jordyn will be an only child.
After all the struggle and disappontment, Jordyn is my shining ray of light who makes everything right with the world. My sweet girl is going to be 3 soon, and she is everything I ever hoped and dreamed for. She is perfect. All I can do now is spend the rest of my life showing her how much she is loved, and reminding her how special she is. I hope that she will forgive us one day for not giving her a sibling. I hope one day she understands. I just hope.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Due Date
Well, it's here. Today was my official due date. Which means she would have been here by now. I should be cuddled up on my couch with a sleeping newborn baby girl. Instead I felt the joy of a 2.5 year old girl saying "hi mommy" when I walked in her room this morning, and squeezed her a little longer and tighter when she gave me a hug. I am so blessed to have her - she is my miracle baby. I am so lucky. My heart still hurts missing my other baby, but I am healing. I am better. I am still so, so grateful for the one little girl that I do have. And I just hope and pray that one day in the near future I will be able to have another sweet girl (or boy) call me mommy.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Monday, March 29, 2010
IUI Frustration
Since the miscarriage, we've had 2 IUIs. One in January and one in March. We skipped February because we were away on vacation celebrating our 10 year anniversary. We know IUIs work for us - it took us 8 to get Jordyn and only one with our Angel. On Jordyn's cycle we did injections, and back to back IUIs. I had 8 follicles and its a wonder we only got one baby! With Angel, we started with only Femara to see how I would respond. I had 4 follies - 2 on each side. We only did 1 IUI and it worked. No luck since.
Yesterday I got a negative pregnancy test. 2 weeks prior we did an IUI that seemed "perfect" on paper. 3 follicles that had already released, 77 million sperm after the wash with excellent concentration and motility, and a lining of over 10. WTF?
I need a break.
Yesterday I got a negative pregnancy test. 2 weeks prior we did an IUI that seemed "perfect" on paper. 3 follicles that had already released, 77 million sperm after the wash with excellent concentration and motility, and a lining of over 10. WTF?
I need a break.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
4 months
i can't believe its been 4 months. 11/10 is the day i started spotting and went to the dr for reassurance. everyone kept telling me it was normal and they were sure everything was fine. so i wasn't worried. until the dr did the sono and i saw the look on his face, heard the silence in the room, looked at the sono screen, to see a dead baby in my belly. i was almost 11 weeks pregnant and just 2 1/2 weeks prior i had seen an active gummy bear with a strong heartbeat. it was all over.
four months later i have answers. we did genetic testing after my d&c the following day. we found out it was a female and she had a rare condition called triploidy. she had a whole extra set of chromosomes, which is incompatible with life. she wouln't have survived. i was never going to hold my sweet baby girl, and jordyn was never going to meet her baby sister.
is it easier that i miscarried at 11 weeks vs having the pregnancy go longer? the dr told me they would have found out about her condition at my 12 week appt when they would have done the nuchal lucency test. how would i have dealt with the news of hearing my baby wouldn't survive? how would i have dealt with the pregnancy progressing further to only lose her? or to have her be born stillborn? or worse - born alive and take only a few breaths before closing her eyes forever? was God taking mercy on me by taking her early? maybe. but wouldn't have it been easier to not have conceived at all if she never had a chance?
all these questions haunt me and i am still trying to process all of this 4 months later. i miss her so much. my due date is getting closer. june 3. but knowing i wouldn't have been allowed to go full term anyway, she would have arrived at the end of may. i have a friend due june 6 - we were supposed to go through it together. i see her with her baby bump i just want to cry. that was supposed to be me too.
even though we have answers, i still have so many questions. why did this happen? will we ever have another baby? if not, will i be ok with it? am i meant to just be the mother of one amazing little girl and one angel in heaven? will jordyn be able to be a big sister? will my heart ever stop hurting?
four months later i have answers. we did genetic testing after my d&c the following day. we found out it was a female and she had a rare condition called triploidy. she had a whole extra set of chromosomes, which is incompatible with life. she wouln't have survived. i was never going to hold my sweet baby girl, and jordyn was never going to meet her baby sister.
is it easier that i miscarried at 11 weeks vs having the pregnancy go longer? the dr told me they would have found out about her condition at my 12 week appt when they would have done the nuchal lucency test. how would i have dealt with the news of hearing my baby wouldn't survive? how would i have dealt with the pregnancy progressing further to only lose her? or to have her be born stillborn? or worse - born alive and take only a few breaths before closing her eyes forever? was God taking mercy on me by taking her early? maybe. but wouldn't have it been easier to not have conceived at all if she never had a chance?
all these questions haunt me and i am still trying to process all of this 4 months later. i miss her so much. my due date is getting closer. june 3. but knowing i wouldn't have been allowed to go full term anyway, she would have arrived at the end of may. i have a friend due june 6 - we were supposed to go through it together. i see her with her baby bump i just want to cry. that was supposed to be me too.
even though we have answers, i still have so many questions. why did this happen? will we ever have another baby? if not, will i be ok with it? am i meant to just be the mother of one amazing little girl and one angel in heaven? will jordyn be able to be a big sister? will my heart ever stop hurting?
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Reminders
Jordyn's birthday and Christmas were great. Those 2 things this month made me happy. Filled my heart with love, joy and hope. Today I started spotting which means I will get my period shortly - within a day or so. My doctor predicted it would come before the end of the year - he's such a smart man. He said we could start trying again as soon as it came. Such hope and promise for the new year - we are ready for good things in 2010. It should make me feel happy. But all I feel right now is sadness. Seeing the blood is just a reminder that she is gone.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Some Answers
My doctor appointment last week went well. The pathology report showed that the samples they received were normal products of a degenerative pregnancy. I asked to see the post-operative report from the doctor and the pathology report - after all the medical tests I've had in the past, its helpful to read these even if I don't understand all the terminology. If they were in normal English instead of medical speak it would be better, but with google, it helps put the pieces together. The doctor said everything looked good - uterus and cervix all looked normal and gave us the go ahead to start trying again once I got my period, which he expected in 2-4 weeks. So we left feeling hopeful. Still sad, but hopeful.
Then this Tuesday I got a phone call from the doctors office that the chromosome testing was back from the Mayo clinic and they had more information as to why I had a miscarriage. It turns out this pregnancy was a triploid, which means it had a whole extra set of chromosmes. Normal humans have 46 chromosomes - 23 are inherited from each parent. It seems in this rare case, the egg was fertilized by 2 sperm which gave it the extra set, s0 69 total. The nurse said this condition is incompatible with life, meaning this baby wouldn't have survived. I asked her to fax me the complete report which she did. I started doing research on the condition and after what I've found out, it seems this was the best thing that could have happened. This condition is fatal and most pregnancies are lost in the first trimester. The ones that go on longer result in a stillbirth, or a death just after birth. I think God knew I couldn't handle that so decided to take it easy on me. As hard as this has all been to deal with, it makes sense to me now and I am now able to get some closure. I know now there is nothing I could have done to prevent this and its just one of those extremely unfortunate things that happened. The good news is its very unlikely to happen again, so it gives us renewed hope as we plan to try again.
If you'd like to read more about the condition, click this link - its provided the most information and given me the most answers.
http://www.healthline.com/galecontent/triploidy
The sad thing for me, is the pathology report listed the diagnosis as Triploidy 69,XXX. She was a girl. My Angel, which is what we are calling her. She is up in heaven watching over her mommy, daddy, and big sister, and hanging out with her grandpa who is protecting us all.
Sadness, but closure. And a heart full of love.
Then this Tuesday I got a phone call from the doctors office that the chromosome testing was back from the Mayo clinic and they had more information as to why I had a miscarriage. It turns out this pregnancy was a triploid, which means it had a whole extra set of chromosmes. Normal humans have 46 chromosomes - 23 are inherited from each parent. It seems in this rare case, the egg was fertilized by 2 sperm which gave it the extra set, s0 69 total. The nurse said this condition is incompatible with life, meaning this baby wouldn't have survived. I asked her to fax me the complete report which she did. I started doing research on the condition and after what I've found out, it seems this was the best thing that could have happened. This condition is fatal and most pregnancies are lost in the first trimester. The ones that go on longer result in a stillbirth, or a death just after birth. I think God knew I couldn't handle that so decided to take it easy on me. As hard as this has all been to deal with, it makes sense to me now and I am now able to get some closure. I know now there is nothing I could have done to prevent this and its just one of those extremely unfortunate things that happened. The good news is its very unlikely to happen again, so it gives us renewed hope as we plan to try again.
If you'd like to read more about the condition, click this link - its provided the most information and given me the most answers.
http://www.healthline.com/galecontent/triploidy
The sad thing for me, is the pathology report listed the diagnosis as Triploidy 69,XXX. She was a girl. My Angel, which is what we are calling her. She is up in heaven watching over her mommy, daddy, and big sister, and hanging out with her grandpa who is protecting us all.
Sadness, but closure. And a heart full of love.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Up and Down
That's how I feel lately. One day I am OK, the next day I am a mess. And another day is a mix of both. It is so hard dealing with this miscarriage, but I am getting through it. Honestly, without Jordyn I don't think I'd be coping as well. When I feel sad I look at her and feel so blessed to have her. She is in a super cuddly phase right now and always wants to give hugs and kisses. Its like she knows her mommy needs them.
Exactly a week after the D&C I started feeling a little more normal. I went through my day and realized I hadn't cried at all. I stopped bleeding so was able to not think about it every time I went to the bathroom. Its amazing how different you feel once your hormones are back in balance. I started realizing that it wasn't my fault and there was nothing I did to make this happen. Just one of those things. I read other stories and heard from other people who had miscarriages at the same time in their pregnancies. Apparently around the 9/10 week mark is when some big changes occur in the baby from the embryonic to the fetal stage, and if the baby hasn't developed normally you start to see problems. I just keep asking myself why. Why me, why this baby, why? I try not to think too much about it but its so hard.
Tomorrow I go to see the dr for my post op visit. It will be 3 weeks since the D&C. They sent some tissue to pathology to be tested and I am hoping for some answers. I know there is a chance the test will be inconclusive, but I think it will help me get closure if I have an actual diagnosis. I also want to find out our chances for getting pregnant again with a healthy baby. I know its hard to say but if they found something in the pathology that would indicate a repeat incident, I want to know that as well. Physically I feel OK, except that I still look pregnant. My belly was getting hard where my uterus was growing and it still feels like that 3 weeks later. I have a fibroid tumor on the top of my uterus that I was able to feel through the outside of my pregnant belly with Jordyn, and I can feel it now. I want to know whats going on inside my uterus and if its all normal. I just hope I get some answers to help me get some closure.
I miss my baby.
Exactly a week after the D&C I started feeling a little more normal. I went through my day and realized I hadn't cried at all. I stopped bleeding so was able to not think about it every time I went to the bathroom. Its amazing how different you feel once your hormones are back in balance. I started realizing that it wasn't my fault and there was nothing I did to make this happen. Just one of those things. I read other stories and heard from other people who had miscarriages at the same time in their pregnancies. Apparently around the 9/10 week mark is when some big changes occur in the baby from the embryonic to the fetal stage, and if the baby hasn't developed normally you start to see problems. I just keep asking myself why. Why me, why this baby, why? I try not to think too much about it but its so hard.
Tomorrow I go to see the dr for my post op visit. It will be 3 weeks since the D&C. They sent some tissue to pathology to be tested and I am hoping for some answers. I know there is a chance the test will be inconclusive, but I think it will help me get closure if I have an actual diagnosis. I also want to find out our chances for getting pregnant again with a healthy baby. I know its hard to say but if they found something in the pathology that would indicate a repeat incident, I want to know that as well. Physically I feel OK, except that I still look pregnant. My belly was getting hard where my uterus was growing and it still feels like that 3 weeks later. I have a fibroid tumor on the top of my uterus that I was able to feel through the outside of my pregnant belly with Jordyn, and I can feel it now. I want to know whats going on inside my uterus and if its all normal. I just hope I get some answers to help me get some closure.
I miss my baby.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Struggling
it has been barely 5 days since i lost my baby and i am struggling. its so hard to get up in the morning when all i want to do is stay under the covers all day. i cry on and off all day and try with every fiber of my being to make it through each day.
i've made this blog public again. i need to get my feelings out, and if by doing that i can help someone else, then we can heal together. i have so much to say, and i want to get it all out but now, all i can do is cry. i miss my baby.
i am so thankful for my sweet jordyn. she is the reason i get out of bed every day and her smile makes me forget the sadness, if only for a minute. as the title of my blog states, i am truly a grateful mommy. she needs me and i will muster every ounce of strength i have to be the best mommy i can be for her. but i am so, so sad.
i've made this blog public again. i need to get my feelings out, and if by doing that i can help someone else, then we can heal together. i have so much to say, and i want to get it all out but now, all i can do is cry. i miss my baby.
i am so thankful for my sweet jordyn. she is the reason i get out of bed every day and her smile makes me forget the sadness, if only for a minute. as the title of my blog states, i am truly a grateful mommy. she needs me and i will muster every ounce of strength i have to be the best mommy i can be for her. but i am so, so sad.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Its Over
I had some spotting yesterday and again this morning. I went to see my dr this morning and he did a sonogram - we didn't see a heartbeat. I am having a D&C on Thursday which is when I would have been 11 weeks. I cannot believe this is happening and I feel like I want to crawl in a hole and hide. I still can't get the image of that still baby in my belly out of my head. It looked like a baby. A dead baby. In my belly. Dear God, please give me the strength to get through this.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Friday, September 25, 2009
Betas
I had my first beta on Wednesday. At 14dpiui it was 159. I had another beta today and this time it was 528. Its a good doubling time - above average, which means could be twins. The nurse said its more than likely there is 1 healthy baby in there. I will go for a sono in 2 weeks to see what it looks like in there and how many there actually are.
When I was pregnant with Jordyn, I remember my first 2 betas were above average too - all the nurses were sure there was more than 1 baby in there. I can't find the spreadsheet I made with all the numbers from that pregnancy - its on an older computer and I have to dig around. I want to compare this pregnancy's numbers with Jordyn's and see how off it is.
I am still finding it hard to believe I am actually pregnant.
In other news, N's surgery went well and he is recovering on the couch with some good drugs. He's a trooper.
When I was pregnant with Jordyn, I remember my first 2 betas were above average too - all the nurses were sure there was more than 1 baby in there. I can't find the spreadsheet I made with all the numbers from that pregnancy - its on an older computer and I have to dig around. I want to compare this pregnancy's numbers with Jordyn's and see how off it is.
I am still finding it hard to believe I am actually pregnant.
In other news, N's surgery went well and he is recovering on the couch with some good drugs. He's a trooper.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Holy S^@*!!!
I think I am still in shock. I don't even know what to say. After all the past difficulty I can't believe how easy it was this time. I almost still don't believe it. I went and had my first beta today - waiting for the results. Second beta Friday. Holy s^@*!!!Tuesday, September 22, 2009
One More Day and Surgery
Tomorrow. Tomorrow I can test. Only one more day of torture. I can't stand it.
In other news, N is having knee surgery today. We've known for awhile it was a possibility, but at his dr appt last Wednesday, they made the final decision. The surgery scheduler was able to get him in today - less than a week from his last appt. I am happy that he's going to get it over and done with, but at the same time we had so much coming up these next few weeks that we now have to cancel, including a much needed date night, seeing Grease at a local theater, and ACL festival (which we have gone to every year since 2004.) I know its more important that he gets better, but I feel slightly bummed that we are missing all those things. Does that make me selfish, or just human?
Wish us luck today with N's surgery, and tomorrow with the dreaded POAS.
In other news, N is having knee surgery today. We've known for awhile it was a possibility, but at his dr appt last Wednesday, they made the final decision. The surgery scheduler was able to get him in today - less than a week from his last appt. I am happy that he's going to get it over and done with, but at the same time we had so much coming up these next few weeks that we now have to cancel, including a much needed date night, seeing Grease at a local theater, and ACL festival (which we have gone to every year since 2004.) I know its more important that he gets better, but I feel slightly bummed that we are missing all those things. Does that make me selfish, or just human?
Wish us luck today with N's surgery, and tomorrow with the dreaded POAS.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Symptoms or all in my head?
I can't figure out if I am having symptoms or if its all in my head. I am so dizzy and tired right now, I feel like I can't even keep my head up. It could also be the prometrium I am taking - it tends to make you a little light headed but this is insane. I am totally freaking out about testing on Wednesday. I bought 2 EPT tests this weekend - 2 for the price of 1. I don't know what to think. As I said before, this has been the longest 2WW ever.
In other news, N is having knee surgery tomorrow. He is totally bummed about it but I am sure it will all work out ok. he is a big baby when he's sick -aren't all men. so it looks like i will be doing everything for a few weeks whihe his is immobile. Hopefullt we'll get some good news on Wednesday.
yikes.
In other news, N is having knee surgery tomorrow. He is totally bummed about it but I am sure it will all work out ok. he is a big baby when he's sick -aren't all men. so it looks like i will be doing everything for a few weeks whihe his is immobile. Hopefullt we'll get some good news on Wednesday.
yikes.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
1 week down...
...and 1 to go. This 2WW has been rough. I am only halfway through and it feels like an eternity. Usually my weeks go by pretty quickly but it seems the last week has taken forever! It feels like next Wednesday will never get here. I am terrified to take the HPT. Completely and utterly terrified. One more week of torture and I'll know.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Success?
The IUI was a success. 3 of the 4 follicles had already released, and we had a great sample to inject. Its amazing what adding that enzyme at home can do. The dr said my cervix was very tight, and he had to dilate it to get the catheter in. He has mentioned before this could be a reason we were having so many issues - it wasn't opening enough to get the swimmers in! And since I had a c-section with Jordyn it has never been naturally dilated.
So now we wait. The dreaded 2WW. I know these are going to be the slowest 2 weeks of my life, and I know I am going to analyze every cramp, every ache, every twinge. I wish I had something to distract me these next 2 weeks, but alas, its just me and my tortuted mind.
So now we wait. The dreaded 2WW. I know these are going to be the slowest 2 weeks of my life, and I know I am going to analyze every cramp, every ache, every twinge. I wish I had something to distract me these next 2 weeks, but alas, its just me and my tortuted mind.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Nervous
IUI today. I am so f-ing nervous. I am trying to not be stressed because I know stress doesn't make babies, but I just can't help it. I want so much for this to work but deep down I am so afraid it won't.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Fertile Myrtle
Well it would appear that I am extremely fertile. I had my follicle study this morning and I have a total of 4 ripe follicles (2 on each side), all between 21 and 24mm. My lining was 8.4, and all appears well for a good cycle. I was given the HCG shot to release the eggs, and sent home with my little jar and enzyme from the lab. IUI scheduled for tomorrow afternoon.
I am not naive. I have been here before. Many times. I have had many ripe follicles, many linings that were more than favorable, many good cycles that ended up with negative HPTs and betas. I have every reason to be positive, but that little devil inside me is telling me not to get my hopes up. I just want this to be easy this time around. Please, please, please.
I am not naive. I have been here before. Many times. I have had many ripe follicles, many linings that were more than favorable, many good cycles that ended up with negative HPTs and betas. I have every reason to be positive, but that little devil inside me is telling me not to get my hopes up. I just want this to be easy this time around. Please, please, please.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Round 2
Well, here goes. Let the flood gates open. We have officially started the path towards baby #2. Dear God, I hope it doesn't take another 7 years to get this baby. I am more hopeful as this time, we know the issues and we are working with the doctor to tackle them head on. When we found our fabulous doctor, we tried many things each cycle to try and achieve a positive result. We started with pills, then added a boost injection, then just strictly injections. We did single IUIs, back to back IUIs and sperm enzyme addition. The cycle I got pregnant with Jordyn, we did injections with back to back IUIs, and added an enzyme to the sperm jar at home, and I took prometrium after the HCG injection. Its amazing we didn't get multiples because I had 7 ripe, enormous follicles. This time, we decided to be slightly more conservative because I would like to avoid multiples, simply because I am afraid my body couldn't handle it. Being a kidney transplant patient, I am high risk anyway, so adding the stress of multiple babies would add stress to my body and make me even more high risk. We decided to start with pills, do a follicle study and from there, decide on 1 or 2 IUIs.
Today is cycle day 7. I took 5mg of Femara starting on CD3 and finished today. I have been feeling OK - the Femara doesn't have near the amount of side effects as Clomid, but I have been getting headaches. Other than that, I feel great. I will go to the dr on Tuesday for a follicle scan - this will be CD13. If the follicles look good and the lining looks good, I will get an HCG injection to release the egg(s) and then get sent home with my jar-in-a-bag and enzyme, and schedule the IUI for the following afternoon. Depending on how things look and if the follicles are still there, we'll do another IUI the next day.
I am hopeful this time. If it doesn't work, we'll just try again. I feel like the stress factor isn't there as much this time, mainly because I know I can get pregnant and have a baby. Before, each time it didn't work, my fear was that it was never going to happen. Now don't get me wrong. I know myself. If it doesn't work I will be sad, but I hope not as devastated as I used to get. And for some reason, if I can't get pregnant this time, or if it looks like it will be detrimental to my health because of my kidney, I'll be OK with it. I have my Jordyn. She is everything I ever wanted or needed. I want so much for her to have a brother or sister, and need to know I did everything I could to try and give her one.
So keep your fingers crossed for us. Hope for us. Hope that the journey to Baby #2 is an easy one, and the end result produces a healthy baby. And that mommy stays healthy. And sane.
Today is cycle day 7. I took 5mg of Femara starting on CD3 and finished today. I have been feeling OK - the Femara doesn't have near the amount of side effects as Clomid, but I have been getting headaches. Other than that, I feel great. I will go to the dr on Tuesday for a follicle scan - this will be CD13. If the follicles look good and the lining looks good, I will get an HCG injection to release the egg(s) and then get sent home with my jar-in-a-bag and enzyme, and schedule the IUI for the following afternoon. Depending on how things look and if the follicles are still there, we'll do another IUI the next day.
I am hopeful this time. If it doesn't work, we'll just try again. I feel like the stress factor isn't there as much this time, mainly because I know I can get pregnant and have a baby. Before, each time it didn't work, my fear was that it was never going to happen. Now don't get me wrong. I know myself. If it doesn't work I will be sad, but I hope not as devastated as I used to get. And for some reason, if I can't get pregnant this time, or if it looks like it will be detrimental to my health because of my kidney, I'll be OK with it. I have my Jordyn. She is everything I ever wanted or needed. I want so much for her to have a brother or sister, and need to know I did everything I could to try and give her one.
So keep your fingers crossed for us. Hope for us. Hope that the journey to Baby #2 is an easy one, and the end result produces a healthy baby. And that mommy stays healthy. And sane.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
