4 months

i can't believe its been 4 months. 11/10 is the day i started spotting and went to the dr for reassurance. everyone kept telling me it was normal and they were sure everything was fine. so i wasn't worried. until the dr did the sono and i saw the look on his face, heard the silence in the room, looked at the sono screen, to see a dead baby in my belly. i was almost 11 weeks pregnant and just 2 1/2 weeks prior i had seen an active gummy bear with a strong heartbeat. it was all over.

four months later i have answers. we did genetic testing after my d&c the following day. we found out it was a female and she had a rare condition called triploidy. she had a whole extra set of chromosomes, which is incompatible with life. she wouln't have survived. i was never going to hold my sweet baby girl, and jordyn was never going to meet her baby sister.

is it easier that i miscarried at 11 weeks vs having the pregnancy go longer? the dr told me they would have found out about her condition at my 12 week appt when they would have done the nuchal lucency test. how would i have dealt with the news of hearing my baby wouldn't survive? how would i have dealt with the pregnancy progressing further to only lose her? or to have her be born stillborn? or worse - born alive and take only a few breaths before closing her eyes forever? was God taking mercy on me by taking her early? maybe. but wouldn't have it been easier to not have conceived at all if she never had a chance?

all these questions haunt me and i am still trying to process all of this 4 months later. i miss her so much. my due date is getting closer. june 3. but knowing i wouldn't have been allowed to go full term anyway, she would have arrived at the end of may. i have a friend due june 6 - we were supposed to go through it together. i see her with her baby bump i just want to cry. that was supposed to be me too.

even though we have answers, i still have so many questions. why did this happen? will we ever have another baby? if not, will i be ok with it? am i meant to just be the mother of one amazing little girl and one angel in heaven? will jordyn be able to be a big sister? will my heart ever stop hurting?