Up and Down

That's how I feel lately. One day I am OK, the next day I am a mess. And another day is a mix of both. It is so hard dealing with this miscarriage, but I am getting through it. Honestly, without Jordyn I don't think I'd be coping as well. When I feel sad I look at her and feel so blessed to have her. She is in a super cuddly phase right now and always wants to give hugs and kisses. Its like she knows her mommy needs them.

Exactly a week after the D&C I started feeling a little more normal. I went through my day and realized I hadn't cried at all. I stopped bleeding so was able to not think about it every time I went to the bathroom. Its amazing how different you feel once your hormones are back in balance. I started realizing that it wasn't my fault and there was nothing I did to make this happen. Just one of those things. I read other stories and heard from other people who had miscarriages at the same time in their pregnancies. Apparently around the 9/10 week mark is when some big changes occur in the baby from the embryonic to the fetal stage, and if the baby hasn't developed normally you start to see problems. I just keep asking myself why. Why me, why this baby, why? I try not to think too much about it but its so hard.

Tomorrow I go to see the dr for my post op visit. It will be 3 weeks since the D&C. They sent some tissue to pathology to be tested and I am hoping for some answers. I know there is a chance the test will be inconclusive, but I think it will help me get closure if I have an actual diagnosis. I also want to find out our chances for getting pregnant again with a healthy baby. I know its hard to say but if they found something in the pathology that would indicate a repeat incident, I want to know that as well. Physically I feel OK, except that I still look pregnant. My belly was getting hard where my uterus was growing and it still feels like that 3 weeks later. I have a fibroid tumor on the top of my uterus that I was able to feel through the outside of my pregnant belly with Jordyn, and I can feel it now. I want to know whats going on inside my uterus and if its all normal. I just hope I get some answers to help me get some closure.

I miss my baby.