1 week down...

...and 1 to go. This 2WW has been rough. I am only halfway through and it feels like an eternity. Usually my weeks go by pretty quickly but it seems the last week has taken forever! It feels like next Wednesday will never get here. I am terrified to take the HPT. Completely and utterly terrified. One more week of torture and I'll know.

Success?

The IUI was a success. 3 of the 4 follicles had already released, and we had a great sample to inject. Its amazing what adding that enzyme at home can do. The dr said my cervix was very tight, and he had to dilate it to get the catheter in. He has mentioned before this could be a reason we were having so many issues - it wasn't opening enough to get the swimmers in! And since I had a c-section with Jordyn it has never been naturally dilated.

So now we wait. The dreaded 2WW. I know these are going to be the slowest 2 weeks of my life, and I know I am going to analyze every cramp, every ache, every twinge. I wish I had something to distract me these next 2 weeks, but alas, its just me and my tortuted mind.

Nervous

IUI today. I am so f-ing nervous. I am trying to not be stressed because I know stress doesn't make babies, but I just can't help it. I want so much for this to work but deep down I am so afraid it won't.

Fertile Myrtle

Well it would appear that I am extremely fertile. I had my follicle study this morning and I have a total of 4 ripe follicles (2 on each side), all between 21 and 24mm. My lining was 8.4, and all appears well for a good cycle. I was given the HCG shot to release the eggs, and sent home with my little jar and enzyme from the lab. IUI scheduled for tomorrow afternoon.

I am not naive. I have been here before. Many times. I have had many ripe follicles, many linings that were more than favorable, many good cycles that ended up with negative HPTs and betas. I have every reason to be positive, but that little devil inside me is telling me not to get my hopes up. I just want this to be easy this time around. Please, please, please.

Round 2

Well, here goes. Let the flood gates open. We have officially started the path towards baby #2. Dear God, I hope it doesn't take another 7 years to get this baby. I am more hopeful as this time, we know the issues and we are working with the doctor to tackle them head on. When we found our fabulous doctor, we tried many things each cycle to try and achieve a positive result. We started with pills, then added a boost injection, then just strictly injections. We did single IUIs, back to back IUIs and sperm enzyme addition. The cycle I got pregnant with Jordyn, we did injections with back to back IUIs, and added an enzyme to the sperm jar at home, and I took prometrium after the HCG injection. Its amazing we didn't get multiples because I had 7 ripe, enormous follicles. This time, we decided to be slightly more conservative because I would like to avoid multiples, simply because I am afraid my body couldn't handle it. Being a kidney transplant patient, I am high risk anyway, so adding the stress of multiple babies would add stress to my body and make me even more high risk. We decided to start with pills, do a follicle study and from there, decide on 1 or 2 IUIs.

Today is cycle day 7. I took 5mg of Femara starting on CD3 and finished today. I have been feeling OK - the Femara doesn't have near the amount of side effects as Clomid, but I have been getting headaches. Other than that, I feel great. I will go to the dr on Tuesday for a follicle scan - this will be CD13. If the follicles look good and the lining looks good, I will get an HCG injection to release the egg(s) and then get sent home with my jar-in-a-bag and enzyme, and schedule the IUI for the following afternoon. Depending on how things look and if the follicles are still there, we'll do another IUI the next day.

I am hopeful this time. If it doesn't work, we'll just try again. I feel like the stress factor isn't there as much this time, mainly because I know I can get pregnant and have a baby. Before, each time it didn't work, my fear was that it was never going to happen. Now don't get me wrong. I know myself. If it doesn't work I will be sad, but I hope not as devastated as I used to get. And for some reason, if I can't get pregnant this time, or if it looks like it will be detrimental to my health because of my kidney, I'll be OK with it. I have my Jordyn. She is everything I ever wanted or needed. I want so much for her to have a brother or sister, and need to know I did everything I could to try and give her one.

So keep your fingers crossed for us. Hope for us. Hope that the journey to Baby #2 is an easy one, and the end result produces a healthy baby. And that mommy stays healthy. And sane.

Writer's Block

When I first started writing this blog, I wasn't sure what I wanted it to be. I wasn't sure who would read it or if they cared what I had to say. I was just so happy that my infertility journey came to an end, and I had a perfect baby girl as proof of all our hard work and wanted to share her. And maybe give hope to someone who felt like their journey was endless. If it worked for me, after 7 years of trying and a kidney transplant, it would surely work for someone else.

Lately, I've felt blocked. This year isn't anything I thought it would be. So much has happened, good and bad, and its left me feeling... well, blah. Sometimes I feel like I can't talk to anyone. I talk to N, and he is amazing, but writing has become my outlet. I've written other posts and deleted them, but I've decided to forge ahead. I have so much I want to say and I just need to get it out.

If you know me in real life, I will ask that you please don't comment or mention anything that I say on here from now on, unless its related to this blog. No posts on facebook, twitter, or conversations in person. If you are my friend, please don't discuss this with other friends. If you are my family, please don't discuss with other family members. This is the only place I will be able to let my thoughts and feelings out and some of the forthcoming information will be confidential. So please, lets keep it that way and leave it to this blog only.

Hell, aside from the 5 of you who I know read this, I don't know who else does anyway. But for my own sanity, I need to write, and in order to get unblocked I need to know its all going to stay here.

20 months

It is so hard to believe, but my little girl is 20 months old today. Before I know it, I will be planning her 2nd birthday party. I am amazed at how fast time flies when you have a baby - I am trying to savor every moment!

Jordyn has grown so much these last few months. She is talking up a storm and loves learning new things. She started "school" full time this week. Since November she has been going 2 times a week, but now she goes 5 days. It was too hard to keep her occupied at home while I was trying to work, and she absolutely loves school. It has been so good for her - she has learned so many new things and is really thriving there.

Here is a picture of her in front of the wheel of our Tahoe. N says this is how we will chart her growth since we live in Texas. Its all about how big you are compared to your large SUV!