A Grateful Mommy

One Year

2010-11-11T09:46:00.003-06:00

One year ago today, I had the D&C that would rid my body of the still baby inside me. It still hurts like hell. This past year has been spent dealing with a lot of pain and grief, a lot of questions about why this happened, and acceptance. Its been a bumpy roller coaster of emotions and I hope to never have to endure this kind of pain again.

We tried, unsucessfully, to get pregnant again. Failed cycles in January, March, June, July and August. So much promise, but so much disappointment. It's coming up on the time where we decide to stop. Enough is enough. I am tired of being sad, tired of my body failing me, tired of struggling... just tired. Its also been 7 years since my kidney transplant, and my body is requiring tweaks to different medications. Tweaks that could harm an unborn fetus. Tweaks that are putting a finality to our decision, and to the fact that my Jordyn will be an only child.

After all the struggle and disappontment, Jordyn is my shining ray of light who makes everything right with the world. My sweet girl is going to be 3 soon, and she is everything I ever hoped and dreamed for. She is perfect. All I can do now is spend the rest of my life showing her how much she is loved, and reminding her how special she is. I hope that she will forgive us one day for not giving her a sibling. I hope one day she understands. I just hope.

Due Date

2010-06-03T12:16:00.002-05:00

Well, it's here. Today was my official due date. Which means she would have been here by now. I should be cuddled up on my couch with a sleeping newborn baby girl. Instead I felt the joy of a 2.5 year old girl saying "hi mommy" when I walked in her room this morning, and squeezed her a little longer and tighter when she gave me a hug. I am so blessed to have her - she is my miracle baby. I am so lucky. My heart still hurts missing my other baby, but I am healing. I am better. I am still so, so grateful for the one little girl that I do have. And I just hope and pray that one day in the near future I will be able to have another sweet girl (or boy) call me mommy.

32 weeks

2010-04-08T16:15:00.002-05:00

that's how far along i would have been today.

IUI Frustration

2010-03-29T16:17:00.003-05:00

Since the miscarriage, we've had 2 IUIs. One in January and one in March. We skipped February because we were away on vacation celebrating our 10 year anniversary. We know IUIs work for us - it took us 8 to get Jordyn and only one with our Angel. On Jordyn's cycle we did injections, and back to back IUIs. I had 8 follicles and its a wonder we only got one baby! With Angel, we started with only Femara to see how I would respond. I had 4 follies - 2 on each side. We only did 1 IUI and it worked. No luck since.

Yesterday I got a negative pregnancy test. 2 weeks prior we did an IUI that seemed "perfect" on paper. 3 follicles that had already released, 77 million sperm after the wash with excellent concentration and motility, and a lining of over 10. WTF?

I need a break.

4 months

2010-03-10T16:15:00.004-06:00

i can't believe its been 4 months. 11/10 is the day i started spotting and went to the dr for reassurance. everyone kept telling me it was normal and they were sure everything was fine. so i wasn't worried. until the dr did the sono and i saw the look on his face, heard the silence in the room, looked at the sono screen, to see a dead baby in my belly. i was almost 11 weeks pregnant and just 2 1/2 weeks prior i had seen an active gummy bear with a strong heartbeat. it was all over.

four months later i have answers. we did genetic testing after my d&c the following day. we found out it was a female and she had a rare condition called triploidy. she had a whole extra set of chromosomes, which is incompatible with life. she wouln't have survived. i was never going to hold my sweet baby girl, and jordyn was never going to meet her baby sister.

is it easier that i miscarried at 11 weeks vs having the pregnancy go longer? the dr told me they would have found out about her condition at my 12 week appt when they would have done the nuchal lucency test. how would i have dealt with the news of hearing my baby wouldn't survive? how would i have dealt with the pregnancy progressing further to only lose her? or to have her be born stillborn? or worse - born alive and take only a few breaths before closing her eyes forever? was God taking mercy on me by taking her early? maybe. but wouldn't have it been easier to not have conceived at all if she never had a chance?

all these questions haunt me and i am still trying to process all of this 4 months later. i miss her so much. my due date is getting closer. june 3. but knowing i wouldn't have been allowed to go full term anyway, she would have arrived at the end of may. i have a friend due june 6 - we were supposed to go through it together. i see her with her baby bump i just want to cry. that was supposed to be me too.

even though we have answers, i still have so many questions. why did this happen? will we ever have another baby? if not, will i be ok with it? am i meant to just be the mother of one amazing little girl and one angel in heaven? will jordyn be able to be a big sister? will my heart ever stop hurting?

Reminders

2009-12-29T15:37:00.002-06:00

Jordyn's birthday and Christmas were great. Those 2 things this month made me happy. Filled my heart with love, joy and hope. Today I started spotting which means I will get my period shortly - within a day or so. My doctor predicted it would come before the end of the year - he's such a smart man. He said we could start trying again as soon as it came. Such hope and promise for the new year - we are ready for good things in 2010. It should make me feel happy. But all I feel right now is sadness. Seeing the blood is just a reminder that she is gone.

Some Answers

2009-12-09T16:50:00.003-06:00

My doctor appointment last week went well. The pathology report showed that the samples they received were normal products of a degenerative pregnancy. I asked to see the post-operative report from the doctor and the pathology report - after all the medical tests I've had in the past, its helpful to read these even if I don't understand all the terminology. If they were in normal English instead of medical speak it would be better, but with google, it helps put the pieces together. The doctor said everything looked good - uterus and cervix all looked normal and gave us the go ahead to start trying again once I got my period, which he expected in 2-4 weeks. So we left feeling hopeful. Still sad, but hopeful.

Then this Tuesday I got a phone call from the doctors office that the chromosome testing was back from the Mayo clinic and they had more information as to why I had a miscarriage. It turns out this pregnancy was a triploid, which means it had a whole extra set of chromosmes. Normal humans have 46 chromosomes - 23 are inherited from each parent. It seems in this rare case, the egg was fertilized by 2 sperm which gave it the extra set, s0 69 total. The nurse said this condition is incompatible with life, meaning this baby wouldn't have survived. I asked her to fax me the complete report which she did. I started doing research on the condition and after what I've found out, it seems this was the best thing that could have happened. This condition is fatal and most pregnancies are lost in the first trimester. The ones that go on longer result in a stillbirth, or a death just after birth. I think God knew I couldn't handle that so decided to take it easy on me. As hard as this has all been to deal with, it makes sense to me now and I am now able to get some closure. I know now there is nothing I could have done to prevent this and its just one of those extremely unfortunate things that happened. The good news is its very unlikely to happen again, so it gives us renewed hope as we plan to try again.

If you'd like to read more about the condition, click this link - its provided the most information and given me the most answers.
http://www.healthline.com/galecontent/triploidy

The sad thing for me, is the pathology report listed the diagnosis as Triploidy 69,XXX. She was a girl. My Angel, which is what we are calling her. She is up in heaven watching over her mommy, daddy, and big sister, and hanging out with her grandpa who is protecting us all.

Sadness, but closure. And a heart full of love.

Up and Down

2009-12-01T09:12:00.002-06:00

That's how I feel lately. One day I am OK, the next day I am a mess. And another day is a mix of both. It is so hard dealing with this miscarriage, but I am getting through it. Honestly, without Jordyn I don't think I'd be coping as well. When I feel sad I look at her and feel so blessed to have her. She is in a super cuddly phase right now and always wants to give hugs and kisses. Its like she knows her mommy needs them.

Exactly a week after the D&C I started feeling a little more normal. I went through my day and realized I hadn't cried at all. I stopped bleeding so was able to not think about it every time I went to the bathroom. Its amazing how different you feel once your hormones are back in balance. I started realizing that it wasn't my fault and there was nothing I did to make this happen. Just one of those things. I read other stories and heard from other people who had miscarriages at the same time in their pregnancies. Apparently around the 9/10 week mark is when some big changes occur in the baby from the embryonic to the fetal stage, and if the baby hasn't developed normally you start to see problems. I just keep asking myself why. Why me, why this baby, why? I try not to think too much about it but its so hard.

Tomorrow I go to see the dr for my post op visit. It will be 3 weeks since the D&C. They sent some tissue to pathology to be tested and I am hoping for some answers. I know there is a chance the test will be inconclusive, but I think it will help me get closure if I have an actual diagnosis. I also want to find out our chances for getting pregnant again with a healthy baby. I know its hard to say but if they found something in the pathology that would indicate a repeat incident, I want to know that as well. Physically I feel OK, except that I still look pregnant. My belly was getting hard where my uterus was growing and it still feels like that 3 weeks later. I have a fibroid tumor on the top of my uterus that I was able to feel through the outside of my pregnant belly with Jordyn, and I can feel it now. I want to know whats going on inside my uterus and if its all normal. I just hope I get some answers to help me get some closure.

I miss my baby.

Struggling

2009-11-16T15:04:00.002-06:00

it has been barely 5 days since i lost my baby and i am struggling. its so hard to get up in the morning when all i want to do is stay under the covers all day. i cry on and off all day and try with every fiber of my being to make it through each day.

i've made this blog public again. i need to get my feelings out, and if by doing that i can help someone else, then we can heal together. i have so much to say, and i want to get it all out but now, all i can do is cry. i miss my baby.

i am so thankful for my sweet jordyn. she is the reason i get out of bed every day and her smile makes me forget the sadness, if only for a minute. as the title of my blog states, i am truly a grateful mommy. she needs me and i will muster every ounce of strength i have to be the best mommy i can be for her. but i am so, so sad.

Its Over

2009-11-10T12:45:00.002-06:00

I had some spotting yesterday and again this morning. I went to see my dr this morning and he did a sonogram - we didn't see a heartbeat. I am having a D&C on Thursday which is when I would have been 11 weeks. I cannot believe this is happening and I feel like I want to crawl in a hole and hide. I still can't get the image of that still baby in my belly out of my head. It looked like a baby. A dead baby. In my belly. Dear God, please give me the strength to get through this.

New Blog

2009-10-28T15:00:00.002-05:00

I am working on a new blog that I hope to have up and running soon. Stay tuned....

Betas

2009-09-25T22:52:00.002-05:00

I had my first beta on Wednesday. At 14dpiui it was 159. I had another beta today and this time it was 528. Its a good doubling time - above average, which means could be twins. The nurse said its more than likely there is 1 healthy baby in there. I will go for a sono in 2 weeks to see what it looks like in there and how many there actually are.

When I was pregnant with Jordyn, I remember my first 2 betas were above average too - all the nurses were sure there was more than 1 baby in there. I can't find the spreadsheet I made with all the numbers from that pregnancy - its on an older computer and I have to dig around. I want to compare this pregnancy's numbers with Jordyn's and see how off it is.

I am still finding it hard to believe I am actually pregnant.

In other news, N's surgery went well and he is recovering on the couch with some good drugs. He's a trooper.

Holy S^@*!!!

2009-09-23T13:50:00.003-05:00

I think I am still in shock. I don't even know what to say. After all the past difficulty I can't believe how easy it was this time. I almost still don't believe it. I went and had my first beta today - waiting for the results. Second beta Friday. Holy s^@*!!!

One More Day and Surgery

2009-09-22T09:37:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow. Tomorrow I can test. Only one more day of torture. I can't stand it.

In other news, N is having knee surgery today. We've known for awhile it was a possibility, but at his dr appt last Wednesday, they made the final decision. The surgery scheduler was able to get him in today - less than a week from his last appt. I am happy that he's going to get it over and done with, but at the same time we had so much coming up these next few weeks that we now have to cancel, including a much needed date night, seeing Grease at a local theater, and ACL festival (which we have gone to every year since 2004.) I know its more important that he gets better, but I feel slightly bummed that we are missing all those things. Does that make me selfish, or just human?

Wish us luck today with N's surgery, and tomorrow with the dreaded POAS.

Symptoms or all in my head?

2009-09-21T12:03:00.002-05:00

I can't figure out if I am having symptoms or if its all in my head. I am so dizzy and tired right now, I feel like I can't even keep my head up. It could also be the prometrium I am taking - it tends to make you a little light headed but this is insane. I am totally freaking out about testing on Wednesday. I bought 2 EPT tests this weekend - 2 for the price of 1. I don't know what to think. As I said before, this has been the longest 2WW ever.

In other news, N is having knee surgery tomorrow. He is totally bummed about it but I am sure it will all work out ok. he is a big baby when he's sick -aren't all men. so it looks like i will be doing everything for a few weeks whihe his is immobile. Hopefullt we'll get some good news on Wednesday.

yikes.

1 week down...

2009-09-16T09:10:00.002-05:00

...and 1 to go. This 2WW has been rough. I am only halfway through and it feels like an eternity. Usually my weeks go by pretty quickly but it seems the last week has taken forever! It feels like next Wednesday will never get here. I am terrified to take the HPT. Completely and utterly terrified. One more week of torture and I'll know.

Success?

2009-09-10T09:15:00.002-05:00

The IUI was a success. 3 of the 4 follicles had already released, and we had a great sample to inject. Its amazing what adding that enzyme at home can do. The dr said my cervix was very tight, and he had to dilate it to get the catheter in. He has mentioned before this could be a reason we were having so many issues - it wasn't opening enough to get the swimmers in! And since I had a c-section with Jordyn it has never been naturally dilated.

So now we wait. The dreaded 2WW. I know these are going to be the slowest 2 weeks of my life, and I know I am going to analyze every cramp, every ache, every twinge. I wish I had something to distract me these next 2 weeks, but alas, its just me and my tortuted mind.

Nervous

2009-09-09T11:17:00.002-05:00

IUI today. I am so f-ing nervous. I am trying to not be stressed because I know stress doesn't make babies, but I just can't help it. I want so much for this to work but deep down I am so afraid it won't.

Fertile Myrtle

2009-09-08T11:50:00.002-05:00

Well it would appear that I am extremely fertile. I had my follicle study this morning and I have a total of 4 ripe follicles (2 on each side), all between 21 and 24mm. My lining was 8.4, and all appears well for a good cycle. I was given the HCG shot to release the eggs, and sent home with my little jar and enzyme from the lab. IUI scheduled for tomorrow afternoon.

I am not naive. I have been here before. Many times. I have had many ripe follicles, many linings that were more than favorable, many good cycles that ended up with negative HPTs and betas. I have every reason to be positive, but that little devil inside me is telling me not to get my hopes up. I just want this to be easy this time around. Please, please, please.

Round 2

2009-09-02T10:33:00.002-05:00

Well, here goes. Let the flood gates open. We have officially started the path towards baby #2. Dear God, I hope it doesn't take another 7 years to get this baby. I am more hopeful as this time, we know the issues and we are working with the doctor to tackle them head on. When we found our fabulous doctor, we tried many things each cycle to try and achieve a positive result. We started with pills, then added a boost injection, then just strictly injections. We did single IUIs, back to back IUIs and sperm enzyme addition. The cycle I got pregnant with Jordyn, we did injections with back to back IUIs, and added an enzyme to the sperm jar at home, and I took prometrium after the HCG injection. Its amazing we didn't get multiples because I had 7 ripe, enormous follicles. This time, we decided to be slightly more conservative because I would like to avoid multiples, simply because I am afraid my body couldn't handle it. Being a kidney transplant patient, I am high risk anyway, so adding the stress of multiple babies would add stress to my body and make me even more high risk. We decided to start with pills, do a follicle study and from there, decide on 1 or 2 IUIs.

Today is cycle day 7. I took 5mg of Femara starting on CD3 and finished today. I have been feeling OK - the Femara doesn't have near the amount of side effects as Clomid, but I have been getting headaches. Other than that, I feel great. I will go to the dr on Tuesday for a follicle scan - this will be CD13. If the follicles look good and the lining looks good, I will get an HCG injection to release the egg(s) and then get sent home with my jar-in-a-bag and enzyme, and schedule the IUI for the following afternoon. Depending on how things look and if the follicles are still there, we'll do another IUI the next day.

I am hopeful this time. If it doesn't work, we'll just try again. I feel like the stress factor isn't there as much this time, mainly because I know I can get pregnant and have a baby. Before, each time it didn't work, my fear was that it was never going to happen. Now don't get me wrong. I know myself. If it doesn't work I will be sad, but I hope not as devastated as I used to get. And for some reason, if I can't get pregnant this time, or if it looks like it will be detrimental to my health because of my kidney, I'll be OK with it. I have my Jordyn. She is everything I ever wanted or needed. I want so much for her to have a brother or sister, and need to know I did everything I could to try and give her one.

So keep your fingers crossed for us. Hope for us. Hope that the journey to Baby #2 is an easy one, and the end result produces a healthy baby. And that mommy stays healthy. And sane.

Writer's Block

2009-08-31T11:44:00.003-05:00

When I first started writing this blog, I wasn't sure what I wanted it to be. I wasn't sure who would read it or if they cared what I had to say. I was just so happy that my infertility journey came to an end, and I had a perfect baby girl as proof of all our hard work and wanted to share her. And maybe give hope to someone who felt like their journey was endless. If it worked for me, after 7 years of trying and a kidney transplant, it would surely work for someone else.

Lately, I've felt blocked. This year isn't anything I thought it would be. So much has happened, good and bad, and its left me feeling... well, blah. Sometimes I feel like I can't talk to anyone. I talk to N, and he is amazing, but writing has become my outlet. I've written other posts and deleted them, but I've decided to forge ahead. I have so much I want to say and I just need to get it out.

If you know me in real life, I will ask that you please don't comment or mention anything that I say on here from now on, unless its related to this blog. No posts on facebook, twitter, or conversations in person. If you are my friend, please don't discuss this with other friends. If you are my family, please don't discuss with other family members. This is the only place I will be able to let my thoughts and feelings out and some of the forthcoming information will be confidential. So please, lets keep it that way and leave it to this blog only.

Hell, aside from the 5 of you who I know read this, I don't know who else does anyway. But for my own sanity, I need to write, and in order to get unblocked I need to know its all going to stay here.

20 months

2009-08-06T10:44:00.002-05:00

It is so hard to believe, but my little girl is 20 months old today. Before I know it, I will be planning her 2nd birthday party. I am amazed at how fast time flies when you have a baby - I am trying to savor every moment!

Jordyn has grown so much these last few months. She is talking up a storm and loves learning new things. She started "school" full time this week. Since November she has been going 2 times a week, but now she goes 5 days. It was too hard to keep her occupied at home while I was trying to work, and she absolutely loves school. It has been so good for her - she has learned so many new things and is really thriving there.

Here is a picture of her in front of the wheel of our Tahoe. N says this is how we will chart her growth since we live in Texas. Its all about how big you are compared to your large SUV!

Cheese!

2009-07-09T20:23:00.003-05:00

Jordyn turned 19 months old this week. Here she is with her daddy on the new hammock - they are both saying cheese!!

The Devil You Know

2009-07-02T21:25:00.002-05:00

Two weeks ago I got a call from a former co-worker - someone I had worked with on and off over the years at the company where I was just laid off. Her boss was looking for a contractor to work on a project for 90 days, and she thought I'd be interested. She described the job to me, I called her boss to discuss it, went in 2 days later to finalize details including hourly salary and lo and behold, I am employed again.

I have mixed emotions about this job for a few reasons. First, I am back at the same company who has now laid me off twice in the last 9 years. Second, I was really enjoying my time at home with Jordyn, but unfortunately staying home full time isn't in the cards with a new house. There are a host of other reasons but those are the 2. While I know I have to work, I am at the point in my life where I am not sure I want a career. My first priority is being a mom to Jordyn, and if I can find a job that pays well and lets me do that then I am happy. This job allows me to do both those things. I am making pretty good money and can have a flexible schedule. Also, there is a comfort level and familiarity that is there since I have been at that company for 9 years. There is no learning curve or first week on the job jitters. I was able to jump right in and get started.

Of course, the economy is still in the shitter and this job is temporary for now. Also, the same BS exists at the company, just like it did before. The reality is, most companies have the same BS so I'd rather know about the BS beforehand so I can be prepared. A good friend told me, its the devil you know. And I'd rather know that sneaky bastard so I can get ready for him to bite me in the ass again. At least I'll have a house to live in and money in the bank.

Daddy's girl

2009-06-05T13:52:00.004-05:00

Things have been rough lately. The layoff has been especially hard on me, and its been very challenging finding a new job. I am trying to stay positive and know it will all work out for the best. In the meantime, I am trying to enjoy my time off and spending as much of it with Jordyn as I can. Now that the weather is warm, we are getting out more and have been enjoying the pool. Here is a great picture of her and her daddy enjoying the water.

She is the reason I get up in the morning. Just looking at her sweet face gets me through the toughest days, and she always seems to know when I need a hug. She will be 18 months tomorrow.

17 months

2009-05-06T12:51:00.005-05:00

Today Jordyn is 17 months old. I look at her and still see my sweet 5 pound baby girl swaddled in her hospital blanket. She is everything I ever dreamed she would be and worth every second we waited for her - and there are a lot of seconds in 8 years! I'd do it all over again for her. She fills my heart with such joy, and I absolutely melt when she says mama.

This past weekend she was a flower girl at my cousin's wedding. She was perfect.

Please can we get some good news??

2009-04-22T21:30:00.002-05:00

I haven't posted for a few weeks. I've been in a funk. When I wrote my last post I had just gotten laid off and Jordyn was recovering from a stomach bug. Things only got worse once April arrived.

First, the lovely chief of police decided all shifts should bump to another shift so that night shift guys could experience day shift, and vice versa. So after getting screwed at the end of the year and having to do a 4 month night shift assignment, N and his entire shift were put on night shift for 3 months. Fabu. It sucks on many levels, but mostly for N because it messes up his body clock. There are a host of other reasons it sucks, but I'll leave that alone for now. Then mom came to visit from NY, which was great. Jordyn had finally started feeling better in the middle of mom's visit, so by the end she was back to her normal fun self. Mom left on a Monday. That Friday night, I went in to check on Jordyn before I went to bed. I was shocked to find vomit in her crib! I was alone since N was at work, so I got her up and brought her into the bathroom to clean her up. As we were sitting on the bathroom floor, she puked her guts up. Macaroni and cheese and grapes are not fun on the other end. She was shaking and felt very hot, so I took her temp and it was 102. She continued to throw up every 45 minutes until 3am. Her fever was almost 103. First thing Sat morning I called the dr and took her in to see him. He did an exam and as he listened to her lungs he said they sounded really "junky." He recommended a blood test and chest xray - thankfully they have a lab in their office and were there on sat. Her white blood cells were over 20,000 and her chest xray showed spots on her lungs. After everything my poor girl has been through, she was diagnosed with pneumonia. He gave her a shot of antibiotics and a prescription for oral antibiotics and alternating tylenol and motrin for the fever. All day all she did was lay on me - she was burning up and I felt so bad for her. By 6pm her fever broke and she was feeling much better. So we were resigned to time at home for her to heal. Thankfully the antibiotics worked and she didnt need to be admitted to the hospital for oxygen or anything.

As we were on the mend, I got a call from Mom that Grandma wasn't doing well. She's been in a nursing home with dementia for the last 4 years and had recently taken a turn for the worse. So we were waiting to see what would happen. The Saturday before Easter Jordyn was feeling better so I took her to the community Easter egg hunt by our new house. Let me jsut say I love my new neighborhood. Jordyn had a blast gathering eggs - I have lots of great pics but of course have not downloaded them yet. We came home and my mom called - Grandma had passed away. So we dropped everything, booked flights and all headed to NY the next day because the funeral was Monday. I was concerned about traveling with Jordyn since she was still recovering and was still on antibiotics, but she did great.

We are back home and Jordyn is doing great. I finally took her to school yesterday - she had been out for 2 whole weeks! She had a good day, and when I came to pick her up her teacher took me aside and said she had to talk to me. She wanted to let me know some kids in the adjacent toddler class had hand-foot-mouth disease and strep. Great, next thing for me to look forward to.

I finally updated my resume yesterday and sent it out to a few places. I am in such a funk because honestly, I just don't know what I want to do. I could fill my days spending time with Jordyn, cooking, cleaning, yoga, volunteer work, etc. But now that we have this big beautiful house, I have to find a job so I can pay for it. It sucks, because if we never moved we could have made it work on one salary. I never expected to get laid off so we went ahead with the home purchase. In the end I know it was the right thing to do, but right now I feel so helpless and unhappy - I just don't know how to handle it all. I mean seriously, how much is one person expected to handle?

I really need something good to happen, and fast.

Can't catch a break

2009-03-30T22:30:00.003-05:00

I've been silent lately, but alot has happened. My last post was long, so I am going to keep this one short. After all the drama, we finally closed on both houses Monday 3/16. We moved into the new house the next day and have been here almost 2 weeks. We love it. Its huge - so much room, so much storage - everything we ever wanted. My kitchen is amazing and cooking in it is a dream. Jordyn is doing great and adapting to her new surroundings surprisingly well. Everything was going perfectly.

On Thursday I got laid off. 10 days after closing on my house, I lost my job. I am angry, hurt, pissed off, sad, and various other emotions I can't express. This is the 2nd time I have been laid off in 9 years at this company. The first time I felt it was personal. This time I know it was economical. In a team of 14 people, 4 of us were laid off. The company is in the shitter and the economy sucks. It doesn't sting any less, especially since I now have a larger mortgage to pay. My boss and other superiors knew about the move. How do you knowingly make the decision to lay someone off who just bought a new house. Never mind in 9 years I never had a less than perfect review, not a glitch on my HR file. I am furious.

The good news is I get a pretty good severance since I have been there so long. I can take some time to decide what I want to do and update my resume. I am just not looking forward to looking for a new job with the way things are right now. I don't want that stress, and don't want to worry about whether we will be able to afford our new house.

Oh and Jordyn had a stomach bug all week. Nothing like a layoff and some vomit to make you feel good about yourself.

Angry, Angry, Angry. Did I mention I was Angry?

2009-03-13T22:42:00.002-05:00

Remember my previous screaming post from Monday? It's still going on. I am still screaming. This has been such a horrible week and the upcoming weekend is not providing much relief. I am supposed to be packing and getting excited about moving into my new beautiful house. Instead I am stressed out, trying to pack and hoping that we will finally close on our current house so we can close on the new one. I am so angry I can't even see straight and hope that typing this will help blow off some steam and make me feel better. I doubt it, but its worth a shot. Buckle up - its going to be a long, bumpy ride.

Everything was going perfectly. We put our house on the market at the end of January and after 2 offers in a week, we had a contract. We found our dream house shortly after and put an offer on it. We found out we qualified for a VA loan which was going to save us tons of money and fees so we were excited to have some cash for our savings to finally start Jordyn's college fund. Inspections were done, utilities switched over, address change with the post office - everything you'd do for a move. Then last Wednesday (the 4th) we got a call from an appraiser who needed to do the appraisal on our home for the new buyers. I was surprised they hadn't done it yet since we were supposed to close the coming Tuesday (the 10th.) The appraiser came and went and that was it. That Thursday I got a call from my realtor that our house didn't appraise for the sales price. We were shocked because we did a good comparative analysis of the neighborhood to get our sales price. The buyers did the same and obviously thought it was a fair price because they made an offer and we had a contract. Both realtors called the buyer's loan officer to request a review and they submitted both of their comps for backup. That evening the buyers came by to do their final walk through of the house and nothing seemed out of the ordinary.

On Friday, our realtor called and said the appraiser felt he used good comps and rejected the re-evaluation of the appraisal. Oh, I forgot to mention he was off by $14,000, and he used the wrong sales price as the base value!! Clearly, there was something wrong. Then the buyers decided that the house was only worth what the appraiser said it was worth and unless we lowered our price, they wanted out. I could not believe this was happening. We were a few days away from closing and it seemed like it was all up in the air. First we thought, screw them. We'll get our own appraisal and put the house back on the market. It sold in 7 days last time so we were sure it would sell again. Our realtor spent the weekend getting 3rd party opinions and valuations of our home. What we found out is that no matter what someone else said, our home was now flagged in the system with the value the appraiser gave it, and would stay like that for 90 days. It was basically up to the appraiser and his report was complete. Our realtor then got in touch with the buyer's loan officer - this was Sunday night. They had a mutual friend so they were able to discuss everything. He agreed that the appraisal was way off based on the comps we had, and so did his manager. They were going to try and override the appraiser and up the value on the home themselves. We went to bed feeling hopeful.

Monday morning came and we found out that the bank had no luck - they could not override the appraiser's decision and they asked him one more time to reconsider. Again, he said no. This put us in a tough spot. We had 2 options - lower the price, eat into our profit and sell the house. Or option 2, put it back on the market, get our own appraisal, have 2 mortgages, run the risk of the existing appraisal overriding anything new and coming across the same problem 3 months from now. After taking all the emotion out of it, we decided to take the hit and get rid of the house. In this market, at least we were still making a profit. So we amended the contract, extended a few days and planned for a later in the week close.

The next day (Tuesday), I got a note from the title company of our new house with our settlement statement - what we had to bring to closing on the new house. She called me to discuss further and we set up the closing for Thursday (12th) as planned. Then she asked when we were closing on our current home. I told her it was up in the air - briefly explained there were some issues but they were being worked on. She became very quiet and then told me we needed the settlement statement from our sale in order to purchase the new home. Another roadblock we didn't expect. I called our loan officer and she said they only approved us for a loan based on our sale - they didn't approve it based on 2 mortgages. She said they could do it but it would have to go through underwriting again and could hold it up another week. We knew our house close was in process so we said forget it, and would let them know when our close was scheduled so we could come in to sign the ppwk on the new house. Crisis averted.

Wednesday I got a call from my realtor. As the buyer's loan was going through underwriting with the new price, something was flagged so they had to pull it. They said it was being worked on and would have to go back through underwriting and legal. Still looked OK for Thursday close. Thursday rolls around with no new. Their docs were still with the bank and the title company was just waiting to receive them to prepare the close. We agreed to do a 9am close today (Friday) and a 4pm close on our new home. Late in the day the title company still had not received the docs. We moved from 9am to 2pm. We'd do them back to back which was no problem - theit bank wires the money immediately so their loan would be legit and free us up to buy our home.

This morning I got a phone call that the title company still hadn't received the docs. The title company and both realtors left messages and emails for the loan officer and they never heard back. At almost noon I started to feel like it wasn't going to happen. The buyer went to the bank to hunt down the loan officer to find out wtf was going on, because they were in limbo too. He finally responded that the docs had not yet been sent to the title company and he didn't know what the hold up was, but was still hopeful we could do it today. I wasn't. This was starting to get old. And I had an appointment set up for tomorrow to have the grout on our tile floors sealed. Plus the fridge was supposed to be delivered Monday morning. We were going to spend the weekend bringing little things over and finish packing. I started to feel like my weekend was going to be filled with more stress. Boy was I ever right.

By 4pm there was no news. The title company still hadn't received the docs and we were still in a holding pattern. I started to fear that there was something wrong with their loan, but we confirmed with the bank everything was fine - it was just through the final underwriting and legal approvals. So now, we wait and hope that Monday morning rolls around and we get a call to come in and close on this house. The new house is waiting for us, all our docs are ready to be signed and keys waiting. The new glitch is that N has to work Monday - he can't even take off or call in sick because he is training a rookie. So we have no idea how he is going to be able to sign any of this paperwork. More to worry about.

The good news is that the sales person at the builder feels so bad for us and asked if there was anything she could do. I asked if I can have their builder key to let the guy in to still do my floors and she said yes, and left a key for me to pick up in the morning. So tomorrow morning our floors will be done. We had to call Sears to change the delivery date of the fridge from Monday to Tuesday, and the movers are still scheduled for Tuesday.

If we don't close on our current house on Monday I am seriously going to lose it. I really don't know how much more of this I can take. I just want to be in my new, beautiful house and I can't even get excited about it.

Well, I told you it was going to be a bumpy ride. And as predicted I don't feel any better. In fact, I am still angry. Angry about all of it. The stupid appraiser who didn't take any of our protest or background information into consideration. Angry that the buyer's are getting a freaking steal on this house. Angry at losing $14k for Jordyn's college fund. Angry that I can't relax and be excited about my new house. Angry that I can't sleep and this stress is making me ill - I woke up with a fever yesterday. And really angry at that damn appraiser for starting this whole mess. Did I mention I was angry at the appraiser??

I need a massage. And a drink. And I just need this to all be over.

Frustrated

2009-03-09T13:23:00.001-05:00

I want to scream. I NEED to scream. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

OK I feel better. Not really.

Sassy girl

2009-03-05T09:32:00.002-06:00

Jordyn has been super fun lately. Smiling, laughing and just being cute. Here is a recent pic of her sitting out in the sun enjoying an afternoon snack. Don't you want to bite her?

Update

2009-02-13T11:00:00.003-06:00

Wow, I haven't posted in awhile. The last few weeks have been completely insane. I've been dealing with a sick baby who has had one illness after another. It started with a double ear infection which cleared after the antibiotics for 10 days. Then she had a upper respiratory infection with wheezing and she needed a nebulizer. At the same time she developed a stomach virus and was throwing up for a day. The chest congestion was better and she had loose coughing and a runny nose. It took her a good week to bounce back and start eating well again. Then I noticed her 1 year molars started coming in, but she was especially cranky and pulling on her ears. Of course, she now has another ear infection. Poor thing just can't catch a break. Its a combination of daycare and the weather. Hopefully as the weather gets warmer these illnesses will slow down a bit. I just want my baby to be healthy!!

In other news, we sold our house! In my last post we were about to put it on the market. After one day we had 5 showings and got an offer on the 2nd day. We went back and forth and couldnt come to an agreement so we didn't accept. We had a few more showings during the week and on that Thursday we got another offer. This time it was a better offer and we negotiated a bit but finally accepted. After only 7 days on the market we had a contract. We were really surprised because we didn't expect the house to sell so fast. But I guess Austin isn't as bad as some other markets - I know people who have had their house or apt on the market in other states for months with no interest. The new buyers wanted to close in 30 days so we had to act fast to find a new house. Luckily our realtor is a good friend so he helped us find something great. He used to work for one of the builders here in town so we went to visit one of the communities in the part of town we wanted to live in. They had 3 inventory homes available for immediate move in. We loved all 3 of them but one of them was perfect for us. It had the right amount of bedrooms, a family room, huge kitchen with granite countertops, game room upstairs and a guest suite with full bath downstairs. Its beautiful and most importantly, its huge. We are going from 1900 sq feet to 3048 sq feet. We desperately need the room and this is the house we can see Jordyn and any future children grow up in. So now we have to pack up everything and move in a month. Its exciting and scary all at the same time but we feel like its the right decision. All the stars were aligned with selling this house and finding the right new one, so it was all meant to be.

Here is a pic of us in front of our current house with the sold sign, and a pic of the outside of our new house. More updates to come!

Tomorrow...

2009-01-22T22:14:00.002-06:00

For months we have been talking about putting our house on the market. We have a lovely home now, and this week marked 7 years that we've been here. In those 7 years we've accumulated a lot of things, most recently tons and tons of baby clothes, toys and other random baby gear. Each day we feel like we are slowly growing out of this home as we seem to have no storage space for anything. Our small attic is full, and all our closets are jam-packed with things. We also hope to have another baby soon, and there is definitely not room for a 4th person. Yes, our starter home of 1845 sq feet, 3 beds and 2 baths is just not large enough to support our growing family.

Tomorrow is the day we put our house on the market. Its scary, especially in this economy. I worry that our house won't sell, or we won't get near what we are asking for it. We haven't started officially looking for a new house yet because we want to have a contract on this house before we actively pursue something. Its the smartest thing for us to do because we do not want to have 2 mortgages. And this way, if the house doesn't sell, or I get laid off (God forbid!) we can take the house off the market and stay put. We really have nothing to lose so we are going for it. Our realtor is a good friend of ours and he thinks we will be lucky. In our entire neighborhood there is not one 1-story home available for sale. He said many small families are looking for a 1-story and they are at a premium right now. So keep your fingers crossed that it won't take too long.

This week has been crazy as we were working to de-clutter and get the house ready. And poor Jordyn has a double ear infection so we've been dealing with that on top of everything else. I am exhausted. Tomorrow our realtor and photographer are coming to take photos of the house to include with the listing. I hope they turn out OK. Wish is luck!

Uncle Larry

2009-01-11T21:51:00.002-06:00

Jordyn's Uncle Larry came to visit from NY last week. She's lucky to have a very cool 19 year old uncle! We had lots of fun visiting all his favorite restaurants - Jordyn now loves the Salt Lick as much as he does! Here is a pic of him reading "Five Silly Monkeys" to her on the night he arrived.

Back to Reality

2009-01-03T21:56:00.002-06:00

Tomorrow we officially will take down Christmas 2008. All the ornaments and Christmas/Hanukkah decorations will be put away, the tree will come down, the lights outside will be packed, and it will all go up in the attic until next year. It always makes me sad to do this because the holidays are so festive, and the house always looks warm and inviting. But we had a great Christmas and holiday season, so at least those memories will make me happy! I've been off work for 2 weeks and Monday I have to go back to reality. Its been really nice having this time off to spend with Jordyn - I could totally get used to being a stay at home mom.

I can't believe its 2009 already. 2008 was a great year - so many milestones with a new baby and happy times for our family. I have big plans for 2009. I plan to finally decide once and for all what I want to do with my career. March will mark 9 years at this company, and after all this time I feel nothing. I have no passion for my job or my industry and I really need to take a look deep within myself to see what I want. See end sentence in above paragraph. If only it was a paying job I would take it in a second. This year we also plan to work on Baby #2. I am not sure what secondary infertility we will encounter this time around so we are going in with an open mind and will hope for the best. Finally, we plan to upgrade our living arrangements and move into a larger home. After Jordyn's birthday and Christmas, we are slowly realizing our lovely starter home is just too small for a growing family of 3. We need more space, more storage, more closets, and a play room for all Jordyn's crap. We are excited about moving and found a new house we love. We are terrified to sell our present house because of the current state of the market, especially since we are not interested in having 2 mortgages. So we will wait and see how things go - the plan is to put our house on the market within the next month. Lots of change and excitement on the horizon.

For my last dose of the holiday season, I will leave you with my favorite picture of Jordyn from Christmas. This was taken the day after Christmas and Jordyn was in her new Nutcracker PJs. She had on a elf hat from her PJs the night before and is so excited to be playing with her new toys.

Hope you all had a great holiday and wishing you all the best for 2009.

Holiday and B-day pics

2008-12-20T19:54:00.005-06:00

Yesterday we went to Portrait Innovations to get some holiday and 1 year photos of Jordyn taken. They are really great - and affordable, and the best part is they print your photos right then and there. No waiting 3 weeks like at other studios. Since we were all sick the past 2 weeks we were really slacking on getting our holiday cards out. Thankfully, we had them printed yesterday and sent them off in the mail by the end of the day. Before we went I had also decided to get some b-day pics of Jordyn since she was sick on her birthday. At her party she didn't want to eat a cupcake, so I brought a cake to the photo shoot hoping we'd get some good pics with frosting on her face. She didn't really want to eat it but we did get some good pics. Here are the 7 poses we picked out of 89. It was really hard to cut them down!

Birthday Girl

2008-12-07T20:41:00.008-06:00

My sweet baby girl turned 1 year old yesterday. I simply cannot believe a whole year has gone by. It was everything I dreamed it would be and more. She is so amazing and definitely the best thing that has happened to me. She gives us all so much joy and we am so very grateful to have her in our lives.

To celebrate her birthday, both her grandmas and her Aunt Erin came to visit from NY. We went to the zoo and out to dinner to celebrate yesterday. It was her first trip to the zoo and she really liked seeing the animals - especially the monkeys. They are her favorite lately and she likes to imitate their sounds. Its pretty funny hearing a 1 year old saying "ooh ooh ooh". She got to pet some of the animals at the petting corale - I thought she would be scared but she really liked it. Here is a pic of her petting a goat.

Afterwards at the restaurant, we got her an ice cream sundae. She loved putting her hands in it, mushing it all over her face and the table like fingerpaint. Here is a photo of her just getting her hands in it...

Then we went home and opened her presents. We bought her the Anywhere Chair from Pottery Barn Kids and one of her grandmas got her the Elmo Live doll. This thing is amazing. She got tons of other toys and gifts - and Christmas is just around the corner!

Today we had a party for her at the house with some friends and family. Jordyn was a little cranky this morning so I put her down for an early nap. I woke her after 2 hours to get her dressed for her party. By then some people started to arrive. She became very clingy and wouldn't let me put her down or go to anyone - not even her daddy. At first I thought all the people freaked her out, but that usually doesn't bother her. Then her triplet friends arrived and she didn't even want to play with them. I thought she might be hungry so I fed her lunch. She seemed a little better but still didn't let me leave her. Then it was cupcake time. I put her in her high chair and we all sang to her, and daddy and I helped blow out her candle. She didn't want to eat her cupcake, much less touch it. She was not interested at all. So I was bummed that we didn't get a photo with frosting on her face. She then seemed even more cranky so I put her down for a nap. Over 2 hours later I went to get her and she had 102.5 fever. Her first fever ever in her life and it had to be for her birthday party. Poor thing. So I spent the rest of the day taking care of a sick baby. Her fever broke a little while ago but I am expecting it to spike during the night. I have a feeling I won't be getting much sleep :-(

So since I was dealing with Cranky McFever Pants, I didn't get any pictures of her from her party. I know others took some so I have to wait to get those. For now, here's a few more from her b-day yesterday.

Much to be Thankful For

2008-11-27T21:18:00.005-06:00

This year I have much to be thankful for. I am thankful for my health, my husband, my family, my job (even though I hate it but in this economy I am happy to have it), my house, my dogs, and I am especially thankful for my sweet baby girl. This time last year she was in my belly, kicking away, 2 weeks from being born. And this year she was eating turkey and is getting ready to turn 1 year old!

We had a nice Thanksgiving. Our good friend came over and brought a fried turkey from a local restaurant here in town. This is the 3rd year we've done it and its become sort of a tradition. We look forward to that delicious turkey every year. I made all the sides and dessert - even though I didn't cook the turkey I was still cooking and prepping for 2 1/2 days! And then we eat and its all over in 10 minutes. Now I am relaxing on the couch, watching the Texas Longhorns game on TV while my husband and his friend are at the game. I am awesome because I got them the tickets.

Our meal was so good, I thought I'd share some photos. I don't have the best camera for food images, but you get the idea. I am getting hungry again looking at these!

yummy fried turkey from Hoover's in Austin. I must say, I did a fine job carving it and plating it!

squash casserole - I opted for this instead of the green bean casserole. It was really yummy - the top crust is crushed ritz crackers and cheddar cheese!

cornbread and sausage stuffing

The spread - this photo has my favorite sweet potato with toasted marshmallow

Jordyn enjoying her first Thanksgiving meal

Sorry no pictures of the dessert - spiced pecan bars. By the time we ate it I had put away the camera and it didnt occur to me to take it out again. Just trust me when I say they were fabulous! Wishing everyone a Happy Thanksgiving!

2008-11-19T21:43:00.002-06:00

Wow, how did it already become mid-November? Wasn't it just Halloween? This month has been busy - I celebrated my 33rd birthday - my first one with Jordyn. All those years blowing out the candles and making wishes and she was finally there with me celebrating. It was the best present I could have received. I did get a new Coach bag, which was a pretty cool gift! Its purple - my favorite color!

This week Jordyn started daycare. We struggled with sending her for awhile but we finally had to give in. Our nanny found a full time position, and we couldn't afford her full time, so we had to come up with an alternative plan. Luckily we were able to find a center near the house that offered part-time programs for infants. She will go on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Tuesday went better than I expected. Jordyn is so adaptable and loves playing with other kids, and thats exactly what she did all day. Her teacher said she refused her lunch, and only napped for an hour and 15 minutes, but was happy all day. She said it will take her some time to adjust to the new schedule and new surroundings but overall she did great. I am trying to change her schedule at home too so everything can be a little more streamlined. Today I gave her a sippy cup with milk along with her lunch around 1145. She used to get a bottle of formula at 1130 and then her lunch at 1230. But she's almost a year and we are transitioning from formula since she is getting all her nutrition from food. She did well with the change, so we'll see how it continues to go. I think she is getting great care there so I am happy about that. And I didn't even cry when I dropped her off. Yay for me!

The big birthday is coming up soon - on 12/6. We are having a party on the 7th at the house - I am really looking forward to it. I still cannot believe she is going to be 1!!

Happy Halloween

2008-10-31T23:37:00.007-05:00

Jordyn had a great first Halloween. Its hard to believe this time last year she was still in my belly! Where has this year gone??

5 years

2008-10-30T13:11:00.002-05:00

Today I am celebrating 5 years since my kidney transplant. I can't believe its been this long already. Sometimes I feel like it was just yesterday and other times it feels like a lifetime ago. Thankfully everything is great - all my lab work checked out fine and everything is within normal range. I feel great, and have my sweet baby girl, wonderful husband and family - life is good!!

Wordless Wednesday - Livestrong Challenge

2008-10-29T10:08:00.003-05:00

This past Saturday we participated in the Livestrong Challenge 5k. Here's a family pic in front of the state capitol after we finished the race.

Falling off the Wagon

2008-10-27T22:28:00.002-05:00

One of the things I had a hard time with after Jordyn was born was losing weight. I gained 32 pounds during my pregnancy, and probably had another 20 or so to lose aside from the pregnancy weight. I had a c-section and a long recovery. I couldn't take normal anti-inflammatory meds like Ibuprofen because of my transplant. So I was on Vicodin for a few weeks and then only Tylenol. I also had some leftover placental tissue so I was bleeding for weeks afterwards. I didn't finally start feeling better until Jordyn was 12 weeks old. Once I started feeling like myself again I decided to tackle the weight issue. I joined Weight Watchers in April and by September I had lost all the baby weight plus 10 pounds. I was so good about counting my points. For me, the best thing about WW was that I could eat whatever I wanted - every food had a points value. So every so often I'd indulge and not feel bad about it.

In September I had a really hectic month. I had a huge event for work (that I bitched about here on this blog) and I was really stressed out. I was out of town for a week in Charleston, SC and they have the most amazing food. Of course when you are on business entertaining clients, all your meals are out at these fabulous restaurants, and well, lets just say the points took a back burner. When I came back I was good, but couldn't get back on the points. Its been a month now and I need to get motivated again. I've gained only 2 pounds but I feel like a huge cow. This week I had planned to get back on the program and today started out so great. By late afternoon the veggie chips were calling my name for a salty craving as well as the mac n cheese we had for dinner. Then the last piece of the ridiculously decadent pecan pie in the fridge practically made its way down my throat.

Bottom line is I feel guilty. The program worked for me and I need to get back on the wagon. I bought smaller sized jeans - the first in years - so I want to be able to still wear them. I really need some motivation. Something that doesn't come with a chocolatey, salty, sweet yummy flavor.

Sweet Angels

2008-10-15T09:58:00.002-05:00

Today is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day. I feel fortunate to have my sweet baby girl and today Jordyn and I share our thoughts and prayers with the families of each of these angels who are no longer with us...

Tyler
Henry
Sam
Jack
Kinsey
Ryan
Isaac

For all the other families who have had their babies taken away too soon, I wish you love, hope and peace.

A Date with a Big Orange Jug

2008-10-13T10:38:00.003-05:00

This month marks a big milestone - 5 years since my kidney transplant. October 30 is the official day... but I have to do some things leading up to it. Every other month I get routine bloodwork to make sure things are normal. Once a year in October I have to go through a battery of tests to confirm everything is still working fine. Tons of bloodwork, chest xray, EKG, and my personal favorite, the 24 hour urine test. Basically, you have to collect all your urine into a big orange jug over a 24 hour period. You also have to keep it in the fridge, so it always makes for a good joke or two in my house. I've probably done at least 10 over the past 7 years - a bunch as they were trying to diagnose my condition, and then once a year since the transplant. Aside from the obvious annoyance in having to literally pee in a jug, it confines me to the house all day. Unless I try to be daring and head out in between trips to the bathroom. But my mind always gets to me and 10 minutes after I leave the house my bladder starts playing tricks on me. One time it was so bad I didn't think I was going to make it. So now, I just suck it up for the day and stay inside for a long date with my jug.

Six Days

2008-10-02T13:47:00.003-05:00

Last week I had to spend 6 days away from Jordyn. It was very hard, but I survived, and more importantly, she was happy and well taken care of when I was gone. I was in Charleston, SC for an event that I had been planning since I came back from maternity leave at the end of April. It's the same event I was bitching about in a prior post, but thankfully, it all worked out and was very successful. I actually managed to have some fun too. I ate a TON of good food - Charleston has some pretty amazing cuisine - had lots of drinks, got a massage and shopped. I would have liked to explore the city a little more, but the one afternoon where I had a chunk of free time, it was pouring, and I didn't want to take a historical carriage ride in the rain. I arrived back home on Friday late afternoon and I swear, Jordyn changed in the 6 days I was gone. She looked so grown up! She is going to be 10 months on Monday - where did the time go??

We had a busy weekend - we went to the Longhorns game on Saturday and then went to ACL Festival. This is the first year I haven't had to work the event, and actually got to relax!! My company is a sponsor of the festival and we have had one of the premier stages for the last few years. I used to be on the sponsorship team and I was responsible for the backstage hospitality area. Tons of fun, sure, but dealing with high maintenance execs who want their Red Bull and Vodka ASAP, not so much. Luckily the people in charge now were nice enough to give me backstage passes, and I scored a parking pass from one of the organizers, so we were able to go at our leisure and have fun. We also spent most of the day there on Sunday - the Raconteurs and the Foo Fighters were definitely the highlights! Jordyn was home with the nanny - I hated leaving her again, but a loud, HOT outdoor festival in a dusty park was no place for a baby. Many others disagreed with my rationale - I saw plenty of infants younger than Jordyn there. I just don't get why someone would bring their baby. But I digress.

Back to the grind at work. Last week showed me I could have balance, but now that I am back I am wishing I was home with Jordyn all the time.

Wordless Wednesday - Big Girl!

2008-09-17T09:33:00.001-05:00

Wordless Wednesday - Daddy Love

2008-09-10T10:31:00.003-05:00

No further description needed. This picture is worth a thousand words...

Pink Rose Award

2008-09-09T14:01:00.005-05:00

“Give the Pink Rose Award to those who inspire you or need to be inspired, to those who have encouraged you or those who need encouragement.”

The Pink Rose Award was given to me by Monica H at STILL HOPEFUL. I was touched by this gift, especially since she is the one who has touched me with her stories of her boys, and the strength and courage she has shown during her few last painful years. Monica, I truly believe you will get your happy ending, whatever that may be.

She asked that I also give this award to someone deserving. Since I am new to the blogosphere, I will give this award to 2 women who have inspired me with their stories. First to Larisa - reading your infertility story in the local paper got me started on reading blogs. Our infertility journeys were so similar, and it was comforting to me to know someone else out there was going through the same thing. You got pregnant right after I did and I followed your entire pregnancy on your blog. Elodie was born a month and a day after Jordyn and from viewing your photos and videos from her birth, I realized you were in the same mother/baby room that Jordyn and I were in - Room 213. I am happy that we both conquered our infertility together and have our beautiful little girls.

Next, I am giving this award to Jamie who also went through a parallel pregnancy journey. Her sweet Bo was born 2 weeks before Jordyn and I've enjoyed following along with his growth and development. I look forward to Jamie's blogs about Bo's food, activities, teeth, and she has been a tremendous help when I've had questions about schedules, feedings, etc. She also is a fabulous baker and I can't wait to make her French Silk Pie.

Thank you Monica, Larisa and Jamie for inspiring me with your stories, and for all the strength and encouragement you have all given me. Even if you didn't know it, you were all there when I needed you at different times and for that I thank you.

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1. On your blog, copy and paste the award, these rules, a link back to the person who selected you, and a link to this post: http://smartone.typepad.com/smartone/2008/05/pink-is-my-favo.html . You will find the story behind the Pink Rose Award and other graphics to choose from there.
2. Select as many award recipients as you would like, link to their blogs (if they have one), and explain why you have chosen them.
3. Let them know that you have selected them for an award by commenting on one of their posts.
4. If you are selected, pass it on by giving the Pink Rose Award to others.
5. If you find that someone you want to nominate has already been selected by someone else, you can still honor them by posting a comment on their award post stating your reasons for wishing to grant them the award.
6. You do not have to wait until someone nominates you to nominate someone else.

9 months

2008-09-06T22:06:00.005-05:00

My sweet Jordyn is 9 months today. Where has the time gone? Here is a pic of her when she was less than one day old, followed by a pic from this evening.

Sweet baby, please don't grow up too fast. You are changing every day and I want to cherish every moment...

Frustration with Corporate America

2008-09-04T21:49:00.002-05:00

I hate corporate America. After working in it for 10 years, each day I realize more and more how much I hate it. Its all about putting money in the head guy's pocket and not caring about the hard working employees who make the company successful. Decisions are made for the wrong reasons, without thinking of the consequences. And I've just about had it.

I have been working on this huge event for months. 67 guests are confirmed and others still pending. It is scheduled to take place in 2 and a half weeks. I have put my heart and soul into this event. I spent 2 weekends away from my baby to ensure the event would be perfect. I was informed today that the event might be canceled because the execs didn't think it would be "fiscally responsible" for us to hold it given our financial situation. Since we are within 90 days we are still on the hook for the full amount. 200k. They are debating what they want to do. Hello?? Are you there?? DUH?!? This should be a no brainer. You still have to pay the full amount. Doesn't it make sense to still hold the event?? I just don't see the logic in canceling an event where you still have to pay the full amount. How is THAT fiscally responsible?

I just don't get it. And I don't think I ever will. I am so over Corporate America...

Wordless Wednesday - bubbles

2008-09-03T09:37:00.002-05:00

Jordyn was introduced to bubbles at Gymboree and loves them. Of course I bought the same ones so now we can have bubble time at home too!

Wordless Wednesday - swimming

2008-08-20T12:45:00.000-05:00

Someone just loves her swim lessons!

Milestones

2008-08-18T14:51:00.002-05:00

Jordyn has changed so much these last few weeks. We came back from NY on 7/29 and I feel like she has done so much since then. She started swim lessons 2 weeks ago and is definitely a little fish. Maybe she'll be in the Olympics one day breaking Michael Phelps' new record! Its so great to see her in the water, learning new things and socializing with other kids. I also took her to Gymboree a few times and will continue to take her weekly. On Saturday she had her first forward crawling motion while we were there. I was so amazed! I enticed her with a toy of course, but she was so determined to move forward and get it, and she did it! I was so proud of her! Then yesterday, she said her first word: mama. Of course, I don't think she's saying it for me specifically yet, but I love to hear her say it. "Mamama, mama" - she says it all day. Of course Daddy is jealous but she'll be saying dada soon enough.

Last night for dinner I gave her little pieces of chicken for the first time. She did great - chewed each little piece and didn't even gag! That's been an issue - sometimes she gags so bad her whole dinner comes up. Thankfully she kept it down and seemed to enjoy it. This past week she's also had diced up pears, cheerios, yogurt and Gerber puffs. Her spit up problem is much better, but she'll still bring up something with a burp every now and then, usually right after a bottle. Occasionally when she's playing on the floor something chunky will come up, and now that she has some yogurt in her system it stinks. Ugh, love regurgitated whole milk products. :-)

The Work Blues

2008-08-06T11:02:00.002-05:00

When I was in high school, all I wanted for my future was to have a career. I was so anti-stay-at-home-mom and anti-wife taking care of husband that all I could think about was college and my future. I think its because my mom was a SAHM, although she did work in my father's pharmacy after all us kids were in school. It also didn't help that my dad (may he now rest in peace) was the type of husband who came home from work and expected dinner ready, and everyone to wait on him. "I need fluids" is one of my favorites. Um, hello, get up and get yourself a drink. I swore I would I would take care of myself and never have to have a man provide for me. I did that. I went to college. Moved to Austin to be with my honey. Got a job right away. Then when honey and I broke up, an opportunity came my way that I couldnt pass up. I moved across the country to San Francisco knowing almost no one and immersed myself in work. I then was able to move to Boston with the same company to start a branch of the company there. Then honey and I got back together and I moved back to Austin, got married, got a job at big computer company, hated it and then found another job in technology and have been here for 8 years. I worked hard, got promoted, had fun and then got in a rut. My priorities changed. I started to care less about work and more about having a family.

Hello, infertility. It consumed me for 7 years. Work was still there but all I could think about was this sweet little baby I may or may not have. When I was diagnosed with a kidney disease and found out I needed to have a transplant, my dreams of baby were put on hold. So I focused on work again. Moved to a new group in the company and had the best 3 years of work ever. Got to travel, do new and fun things, challenge myself, and work with one of the legends in the sports world. Then started fertility treatments and it consumed me again. Things at work were changing. Fun job was being eliminated, and boss did everything she could to get herself promoted, and those 3 years of the best and hardest work I ever did went unrewarded. F-in corporate America.

Then it happened. IUI finally worked and I was pregnant!! I had the most wonderful pregnancy and it resulted in the most amazing, sweet and beautiful little girl - who is 8 months old today, BTW. Where does the time go? But I digress. I had an extended maternity leave combined with a sabbatical from work. After 5 months, I went back to work. Luckily I was able to swing it so I am only in the office 3 days, and work from home 2 days. On the days when I work in the office, hubby watches her one day and we have a nanny for the other 2. Its working out well, and I'll post about the nanny some other time. She's good but I have my issues with her. Many people say I am so lucky because of the work situation I have. I know I am. But here's the thing - I could care less about work. I loathe it. There are aspects of my job that I really like, but overall, I am less than thrilled with the company right now, have no interest in learning about new products, and generally just don't want to be here. I need the job because I need the money. I like my house, my car, and occasionally getting a pedi or buying something nice. But is it all worth it? I feel like I am missing things with the baby because I am not with her all the time. Its total mommy guilt. Some days I am OK and others I just want to quit. I just don't know how to balance it all, but the main problem is I just don't want to.

Can't I just win the lottery?

Slow start

2008-07-31T14:57:00.002-05:00

Well, i had all good intentions of jumping into the blog world and sharing my story. Then before I knew it, this whole month has flown by and I had not written anything new!! Where has the time gone? I did just get back from almost a 2 week vacation in NY visiting family. We had a great time and took Jordyn in the ocean for the first time - she loved it! She also ate lots of sand - what child hasn't at one time or another?

Here's hoping August doesn't get away from me before I post again!

I have arrived

2008-07-09T18:19:00.000-05:00

Reading blogs is what helped me get through it all. The infertility. The unexplained reasons why it wasnt working. The disappointment each month when it didn't work. The pain. The heartache. I felt for each of you when you experienced the same. Then the shock of a positive HPT. The disbelief when I saw the heartbeat for the first time - there really was a baby in there! The joy. The hope. The fear - please let this baby be OK after everything we have been through. The flutters. The kicks. The planning. The purchasing. The nervousness. The excitement. And finally, FINALLY... a beautiful baby.

I remember the first time I saw Jordyn for the first time. She was lifted over the "tent" placed over me during the c-section. A reddish-purple squirmy thing with a tuft of brown hair. I cried, thinking she was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. Now I knew what all those other mothers felt. And I was so glad to finally be feeling the same thing.

My story isn't unlike yours. There has been a lot of sadness, and finally, so much happiness. Since reading blogs helped me get through it, I hope sharing my story will help someone else. We all need as much love and support as we can find, and sometimes its easier when its virtual.

I'll share more about myself, my wonderful husband, our beautiful daughter, my family and my life as this blog progresses.